my rambling about nothin'

i dream

2011-03-08T11:39:00.000+01:00

i dream about this man. the first man that i ever love, not that i know what love is. his smile is tired and i can see bruises in him from the tear and wear of life. i can see his life like a tattoo written all over his body . i whispered in his ear,'i love you,' and he smiled, whispering the word back to me. the word that he never got the chance to tell me. and he let me hugged him.

and i wonder who he is. i don't remember his name

i wish

2011-03-02T09:13:00.001+01:00

I wish for the world without dirty dishes and laundry, or if they exist, they can clean after themselves. I wish for the world when people would be less sensitive about themselves and more about other. I wish for the world when i could put the kids in silence and pause mode, especially when i want to be left alone. I wish for the world without prejudice against race, religion, skin color, and the color of your teeth. I wish for the world when interior is as important as exterior. I wish for the world when food can come out of thin air and people wanted other things than the things i made would provide for themselves instead of asking, saying,'it's easy.' when it's easy, go do it yourself. i wish for the world of little prince, where you can live in a very small world and only a sheep as a company. i wish for the world without pain. i wish for the world with shoes but without socks, or better, i wish for the world with the feet of the hobbits. i wish for the world without headache, or if it is exist, i could just put myself into unconsciousness so no one would think that i pretend the pain. i wish for the world with stop and go back button, like in DVD, or perhaps change another scene button. i wish for the world without words but compassionate action only. i wish for the world of giving, not only takes. i wish for the world where i can be alone once in awhile ranting crazily like this. i wish for another world because this world is tiring and boring sometimes. i wish that i could wish...

somewhere in between

2011-01-19T01:46:00.002+01:00

so where have i been and where i am heading?

2011-01-19T01:38:00.000+01:00

lately i've been losing sleep. and lost for words. i mean, like really really losing it. i forget the name of a place, i can't manage to name the things that i think, i said everything all wrong, not to mention all those switch thinking between English-Dutch, Dutch-English got me trapped in words.

i refuse to think that this is all because of the moon. see, as a cancer (rules by moon, if you don't know what i mean, please check your horoscope manual book. if you don't read or understand horoscope, oh well), they said my mood affected by moon's movement and the fact that today's full moon have anything to do with my mood is just plainly rubbish (well, i am officially no longer a cancer since there this ophiucus that ruined all the other horoscope. man, i don't want to be a gemini. i want to stay cancer just as horribly as i am now so i would forget all those clever scientific proof and wait for another 20 year to say yes to ophiucus).

i am a cancer. a moody useless touchy cancer. i am miserably happy as i am, or put it more precisely, i am miserably unhappy but i'd love to stay that way as i am.

bring me my moon and leave me alone. yeah.

another car crash day. i don't know why i can't avoid it. my mind just won't stop thinking. thinking and ticking. thinking and ticking

too much expectation can kill you. literally. really.

-and i am walking away through the back door singing. the rain falling. and someone's crying. if only life as easy as making rhyme-

what is

2010-12-15T14:45:00.000+01:00

so what is love? what is affection? what is relationship?
what is life? what is priority? what is things to do?
what is dream? what is hope? what is wish?
what is hurt? what is pain? what is remembering?
what is difference? what is other? what is else?
what is me? what is you? what is us?

favorite memories

2010-11-09T21:34:00.000+01:00

it is forgetting, not remembering, that is the essence of what makes us human
-Jorge Luis Borges-

question of the day is, what is your favorite memories?

yesterday i heard someone asked Stephen Hawking that mundane question, and i heard myself asking me the same question.

what is your (my) favorite memories? it left me think long and hard.

and today, i must admit my defeat. i don't remember.

i used to remember those (usually rainy) days in Cibodas, where i used to spent my days by just watching the the quiet world go by. i can even smell the fogs. but now, i am no longer remember it.

i used to remember dearly another spot below Gede Pangrango, those green and lush Pondok Halimun at Selabintana, where i used to spent my night watching the stars. But now, that too vanished from my memory.

i used to remember those days (and nights) that i spent with my dear friends, talked about everything, from silly movies to Nietszche on that small building that no longer exist now near the basketball field in our campus, sometimes with one of my friends played the almost ruined piano on that room. and i got upset over two little birds that fall dead from the height of Agathis Damara. but now, the memories left me.

I don't remember many things. i forget names and faces. i don't remember our last vacation to paris, except for the lady on the bus with her dog and her fancy bag. i don't remember my son's first walk. i don't remember how my daughter grows up so quickly. i don't remember how sweet my husband's smile is, and everytime i discover his smile as something new.

memories is a strange thing. it always have its way. NatGeo said that in the archives of the brain our lives linger or disappear.

is that mean that with my inability to recall my favorite memories my life slipped away from me?

but wait, i do remember those not so good of memories. i do. i still remember it.

does my brain now pick up the habit of sorting out only the bad memories to keep? or my brain just getting old?

honestly, i don't know. but surely, i want to have favorite memories too. even Stephen Hawking have one.

angel

2010-10-22T10:31:00.004+02:00

seorang teman menulis di blog-nya diawali dengan pertanyaan, why people can be so mean? sebuah pertanyaan yang tidak bisa saya jawab, tidak sampai sekarang. dulu pertanyaan itu pernah muncul, ketika ada orang yang dengan wajah puas menyakiti saya. but they did it because they think i hurt them, or because i hurt someone they love. it's like eye for an eye thing. other people did it to protect people they love. it's kind of maternal love and instinct. people have their own justification to be mean. doesn't mind whether their reason would justify their action. it's not for me to say.

but, to tell the truth, i can be mean too. when i am tired and i need a break, i could be mean. when i think people just doesn't give me things that i want-while i gave them all that i can give- i am become mean. it's hard not expect something from other people. even maternal love want something from their child. though i don't wake up in the morning declaring to myself that i would be mean today. sometimes, i just can't help it. sometimes, it just happened without me planning it. maybe because i think other people doesn't understand me and my meanness supposed to mean my way to ask other people to understand me, to beg for an attention in an odd-hilarious way.

and i did mean things that i would regret for the rest of my life, yes. and i would spend the rest of my life living with the memory and my effort to mend the error.

some people, when misunderstood, become self-destructive. other become mean. i can be both.

when this morning, when i tried to make my son not to fall from his bed, he was mad and pulled my hair out of anger, i was angry too. i felt misunderstood by a two years old. i felt that i didn't deserve the pull of a hair. what did i do? i was angry, and i became mean. i was mad at him.

but yeah, when i think about it now, i don't know if my son meant to be mean by pulling my hair. i don't know if the pulling of my hair is a signal of meanness or just a disturbed sleep -of course he didn't know that i tried to save him from falling. when he wakes up he was all smile, and forget all about the hair pulled.

maybe it's all just misunderstanding. maybe all those people who beats other people to death is just actually screaming for help. maybe life wasn't being kind to those people. maybe it was just a disturbed sleep, or life.

maybe like my friend said, it's better to just put a smile on your face, be kind, though probably no one would be kind to you in return. you can be an angel on earth. at least one person you can save from become mean by being nice is yourself. have a mercy on yourself. because other probably won't. and smile would do you good. if it's do other people good, then good.

i always try to think that everybody is an angel deep inside. there's a reason for everything, for the meanness, for the madness. though i have to say, the older i get, the more i questioned my beliefs for so many times. but i refuse to believe that only devil exist in human. because that would be too scary of a thought, and i am too coward to think about those scary things. because, in order to stay sane, i need to think about beautiful things. and though this world sometimes offer me unpretty pictures, i refuse to see it.

maybe i should start to talk. with all the chances of being misunderstood, there's also chances that other people would start to understand.

maybe, yeah, maybe. definitely maybe...i don't really know what i am trying to say here. really.

(the world of) silence

2010-10-22T01:49:00.002+02:00

the world of silence is dangerous territory. once you felt into it, you doesn't feel the need to get out. you started to feel that you don't miss anything. not the pseudo attentions nor the ignorances that sometimes parading your life day in and day out. not the speaking world where everything always misunderstood.

in the world of silence, you just accept. or probably, just doesn't care. because no opinion can be yours to speak so nothing that you should fight for. and you feel that long wanted peace in your heart. the peace of accepting (of nothing).

the world of silence is a alone place but not necessarily lonely. it's the chaplin of the world. and when you don't speak, the world leaves you to yourself, and you blurred into the background (but what is doesn't blurred into the background after some times?) and you started to feel, i don't need anything else. just my silence.

floccinaucinihilipilification*

2010-09-08T13:38:00.008+02:00

i fished myself out of my shell this morning. feel like a car crash. my usually reliable body become unreliable lately, exhausted from everyday wear and tear.

my son sings his unintelligible song downstair. he sounded so happy. i guess it's twinkle-twinkle little star. the song. and i wonder what the hell was i doing there. in bed. under the blanket.

so i fished myself out of my shell. from under my blanket. because my son's unintelligible song lulled me. invited me. he sounds so happy. happy without me. and it makes me sad.

soon there would be days when he doesn't want to be hug, or think that he wish someone else as a mom. yeah. but today i would enjoy this day as the day of many days when he thinks that i am his center of universe. almost godlike. i am a juno's jupiter to him. or jupiter himself. whatever.

so there we are. my cheek against his cheek. opening our window to the cold autumn wind that comes too early. and we sing the song to the trees that moves forcefully in front of our eyes and send the cold shivering wind to our faces.

from my abandoned computer, it plays the Beatles All You Need is Love.
yeah. all you need is love. the rest will take care of themselves.

*n. the estimation of something as valueless

on loneliness

2010-08-29T11:43:00.003+02:00

so tell me, what is loneliness, exactly?

the loss

2010-08-13T09:53:00.000+02:00

Watching Anderson Cooper 360 while breakfasting (well, actually, sahur) this last couple of days, i realized that stupidity and ignorance are everywhere, even on the country that called themselves developed country. narrowmind, selfishness, twisted logic.

and of course, it is in me too.

then i googled anderson cooper. got this bit of interesting words from him (quoting wiki), "Loss is a theme that I think a lot about, and it’s something in my work that I dwell on. I think when you experience any kind of loss, especially the kind I did, you have questions about survival: Why do some people thrive in situations that others can’t tolerate? Would I be able to survive and get on in the world on my own?

He lost his brother to suicide.

And while watching Jeremy Iron yelled on the television on how 1 billion people on this earth are hungry (means, 1 out of 6 people in this world is hungry), i was thinking. Some people suffer, they're hungry, lost their home, lost their hope, but yet they never give up on life. And some other people, in the comfort of their home, food on their table, are just can't tolerate their lives longer.

the devil's own. and why indeed...

the devil inside you

2010-08-13T05:33:00.000+02:00

this woman trying so hard to fight her own devil. the habit of spending too much time thinking of 'what if, what if.' the habit to see things in their worst form. the habit to feel so bad about herself. the habit to makes herself so pale in comparison.

and the fact that no one would rescue her but herself.

would dr seuss ever feel bad about himself while being so cheery and optimistic about this world?

so she immerse herself in her thought, thinking aloud to herself (forget grammar, damn grammar).

she have to write. then she can understand. the fear. the loathing. the fury. the loneliness. oh, the lonelily of the loneliness...

ruang pribadi

2010-08-05T23:28:00.000+02:00

kadang saya pikir saya adalah orang yang amat egois. saya tidak suka diganggu. saya butuh ruang pribadi yang luas.

in between my husband and my two kids, my life is very crowd.

tiada hari tanpa ada orang yang melihat ke komputer saya ketika saya sedang berada di depannya dan bertanya,'sedang apa sih?'

saya benci pertanyaan itu. saya juga benci kenyataan bahwa saya tidak bisa bekerja di atas kasur atau baca buku di kasur tanpa membuat orang lain terganggu. dan saya tidak punya kamar sendiri dimana saya tidak bisa diganggu. kenapa orang-orang, termasuk dua anak saya yang lucu-lucu itu, suka sekali mengganggu saya ketika saya sedang mengerjakan sesuatu, saya juga tidak tahu. ya, saya memang egois, saya butuh ruang pribadi. selalu.

kenapa? saya tidak tahu. karena saya percaya bahwa diri saya adalah diri saya. saya menikah, punya anak dan assumed new roles, new responsibilities. tapi saya tetap menjadi diri saya sendiri, dan saya ingin menjaganya. kenapa saya harus melebur menjadi sesuatu yang baru? is that makes me a b*tch?

mungkin saya sedang pms. but it doesn't mean my complaint wasn't valid. tapi saya harus complain sama siapa?

The Art of Happiness

2010-07-24T23:51:00.001+02:00

‘The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent, but if we can come to terms with this indifference, then our existence as a species can have genuine meaning. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.’ –Stanley Kubrick-

Sophie kecil di dalam buku Jostein Gaardner di dalam buku Sophie’s World menanyakan pertanyaan besar itu, apakah arti dari hidup kita? Di dalam dunia dimana segala sesuatu telah ditemukan, semua kata telah diucapkan, dan semua maestro telah dilahirkan, apakah kehadiran kita punya arti? Ataukah seperti Stanley Kubrick, arti kita dimulai ketika kita bisa berdamai dengan kenyataan bahwa mungkin, sangat mungkin, kita tidak punya arti dalam konteks, we are not the center of the universe?

Lalu apa tujuan dari eksistensi kita di dunia ini? Para filsuf, salah satunya Aristoteles, menjawab bahwa tujuan dari eksistensi kita adalah untuk mencari kebahagiaan. Kebahagiaan saya pahami dalam bahasa Kubrick sebagai cahaya atau light. Banal? Egois? Tentu saja tidak semua filsuf sepakat. St Augustine yang religius menganggap bahwa tujuan hidup manusia adalah untuk mencintai Tuhan. Heidegger yang eksistensialis menganggap bahwa tujuan hidup manusia adalah hidup tanpa penolakan akan kondisi manusia, terutama akan kematian. Akan tetapi, saya berpikir, apakah hidup yang disertai kesadaran ala Heidegger, cinta pada Tuhan seperti St Augustine adalah hidup yang tanpa kebahagiaan?

Dalai Lama berkata tidak. Di dalam bukunya, The Art of Happiness, Dalai Lama mengatakan bahwa sumber kebahagiaan adalah rasa cukup dengan apa yang kita miliki, kesadaran, dan ‘pasrah’ dalam konteks kepasrahan akan hal-hal yang tidak mungkin diubah oleh tangan manusia, seperti kematian. Dan nyatanya, orang yang religius itu lebih bahagia. Otak yang selalu membandingkan adalah sumber ketidakbahagiaan. Dan menurut survey, orang yang bahagia adalah orang yang selalu berbagi (setidaknya dengan senyuman) dan sebaliknya, orang yang tidak bahagia kebanyakan adalah orang yang terlalu fokus pada dirinya sendiri. Egois.

Happiness is a state of mind. Dan kita tidak perlu untuk menjadi kaya, punya wajah cantik, tubuh indah, atau pasangan yang sempurna untuk menjadi bahagia. Di dalam bukunya, Dalai Lama menyinggung mengenai ‘cinta pada pasangan’ yang menurutnya terlalu dibesar-besarkan. Dalai Lama mengatakan, ketika seseorang terlalu sibuk berharap dan terus berharap akan datangnya pasangan yang sempurna dengan cinta yang mengharu biru seperti Romeo dan Juliet, seseorang terkadang lupa untuk mengapresiasi bahwa selama ini, telah ada seorang ibu yang mencintainya, dan teman-teman yang mengelilingi penuh cinta, atau mungkin seekor binatang peliharaan yang setia. Mengapa harus mengharapkan cinta yang belum tentu datang? Mengapa tidak mengapresiasi cinta yang telah ada? Sekali lagi, happiness is a state of mind.

Dalai Lama mempercayai bahwa jalan menuju kebahagiaan datang dari jiwa yang hangat, mau memberi, berempati, sabar, toleran, dan terbuka. Karena kosmos menarik energi yang sejenis. Jika kita melepaskan energi positif, kosmos akan merespons dengan memberikan energi yang sama. Jika kita tersenyum, akan amatlah jarang bahwa kita tidak akan dibalas dengan senyuman. Dalam hal ini, opposites not attracts. Dan menjaga energi positif adalah hal yang sulit. It’s easy to be angry. Lebih mudah untuk marah, curiga, dan meledak. Untuk bersikap positif dan berbaik sangka pada orang lain selalu membutuhkan kerja keras. Kebahagiaan pada akhirnya adalah kerja keras dan disiplin untuk terus menerus bersikap positif.

Tentu saja, hidup penuh dengan absurditas, penuh dengan rasa sakit, dan lebih mudah bagi diri kita untuk bersikap negatif saat kita kesakitan. Akan tetapi, absurditas dan rasa sakit itu bukan milik kita sendiri. Sekali lagi, we are not the center of the universe, dan rasa sakit itu tidaklah dihantamkan pada kita saja. Kita bukanlah satu-satunya yang dibebani. Dan ketika kita menyadari itu, bahwa setiap orang memiliki masalah dan memikul bebannya masing-masing, kita akan mulai melihat diri kita lebih positif. Bahwa kita bukanlah orang paling malang di dunia ini. Seperti Dr Seuss menuliskannya dengan sungguh indah,’ It's a troublesome world. All the people who're in it are troubled with troubles almost every minute. You ought to be thankful, a whole heaping lot, for the places and people you're lucky you're not.’

Mungkin buku ini tidak menawarkan sesuatu yang baru. Sebagai buku yang mendasarkan dirinya pada positivisme dan asumsi ‘semua manusia itu pada dasarnya baik,’ buku ini berkisar pada pandangan hidup yang positif, rasa terimakasih, sikap terbuka, kebijakan untuk membedakan hal yang bisa diubah dan yang tidak, dan kearifan untuk memahami bahwa kita tidaklah mungkin memahami semuanya. Akan tetapi, buat saya buku seperti ini selalu menyegarkan, di tengah arus informasi yang deras dimana manusia saling mengintip dan membandingkan hidup orang lain melalui Facebook, beradu pintar lewat Twitter, hasrat untuk memiliki yang didorong melalui berbagai cara, buku ini mengajak kita untuk belajar pasrah, menghargai apa yang kita punya, dan merasa cukup. Dan hanya dari diri yang penuh, kita bisa mengisi gelas-gelas milik orang lain. Dan mungkin, sangat mungkin, kita akan memiliki arti.

-for i.t, yes, i guess it's for bigger meaning-

possibilities

2010-07-15T23:42:00.002+02:00

is it possible to feel lonely when you're surrounded by people? is it possible to feel sad when you are supposedly happy?

seseorang meninggal tadi pagi

2010-07-14T00:07:00.004+02:00

Kisa Gotami lived in Savatthi. She was known as Kisa Gotami because of her slim body. She married a rich young man and a son was born to them. The son died when he was a toddler and Kisa Gotami was stricken with grief. Carrying her dead son, she went everywhere asking for medicine to restore her son to life. People thought she had gone mad. But a wise man seeing her pathetic condition, decided to send her to the Buddha.

He advised her: "Sister, the Buddha is the person you should approach. He has the medicine you want. Go to him."

Thus she went to the Buddha and asked him to give her the medicine that would restore her dead son to life. The Buddha told her to get some mustard seeds from a home where there had been no death. Overjoyed at the prospect of having her son restored to life, Kisa Gotami ran from house to house, begging for some mustard seeds. Everyone was willing to help but she could not find a single home where death had not occurred. The people were only too willing to part with their mustard seeds, but they could not claim to have not lost a dear one in death. As the day dragged on, she realised hers was not the only family that had faced death and that there were more people dead than living. As soon as she realised this, her attitude towards her dead son changed; she was no longer attached to the dead body of her son and she realised how simply the Buddha had taught her a most important lesson: that everything that is born must eventually die.

She buried her dead son and told the Buddha that she could find no family where death had not occurred. Then the Buddha said: "Gotami, you should not think that you are the only one who has lost a son. As you have now realised, death comes to all beings. Before their desires are satiated death takes them away."

-Kisa Gotami and Her Dead Son, taken from http://path.homestead.com/kisagotami.html-

seseorang meninggal tadi pagi. aku tidak mengenalnya dengan baik sebenarnya. seseorang yang aku ingat sebagai seorang perempuan cantik yang penuh semangat hidup. usianya baru saja tiga puluh. anak perempuannya baru beberapa tahun saja. betapa sayap kematian tidak pernah memilih.

aku tidak pernah tahu dia sakit. baru dapat kabar sekitar seminggu yang lalu bahwa dia sempat 'flatline'. lalu bertanya-tanya. ternyata kanker sudah menggerogoti hidupnya selama dua tahun. aku tidak pernah tahu. halaman buku wajahnya dihiasi gambar seorang perempuan cantik yang mengedipkan matanya pada sang pemotret. ternyata sebuah foto yang sengaja dia ambil dari bertahun-tahun sebelum kanker itu menggerogotinya. karena beberapa bulan lalu tubuhnya sudah kehilangan elan, dan rambutnya perlahan-lahan gugur digerogoti kemoterapi.

dia tidak membiarkan orang lain tahu. tidak membiarkan orang jatuh kasihan. dan aku semakin tercenung. semangat hidupnya terpampang menyala-nyala, walaupun aku tahu, hidupnya seperti menunda kekalahan.

dan malam ini, di sebuah kota yang penuh cahaya, sambil memandang menara berwarna jingga yang entah sudah berapa juta kali muncul di berbagai foto dan lukisan, mengingat perempuan yang baru saja meninggal tadi pagi itu aku tiba-tiba merasa sesak nafas. menumpahkan air mata.

apakah di sana sepi? ataukah karena kematian telah ada semenjak adam dan hawa, dunia sana penuh dengan manusia yang telah tiada? apakah di sana penuh cahaya?

pintu

2010-07-04T01:40:00.001+02:00

ketika pintu ada di hadapanku, selalu ada dua pilihan yang disodorkan. kembali masuk ke dalam rumah, atau meraih sepatu dan membuka pintu.

dunia di luar pintu selalu sebuah dunia yang penuh kemungkinan. dunia yang penuh ketidaktahuan. dunia yang penuh serba ketidakpastian. dunia penuh dengan harapan.

rumah di balik pintu seringkali menjanjikan kehangatan. tawa riang. kadangkala tangisan atau janji yang tak pernah jadi kenyataan.

manusia pergi, untuk selalu kembali. kembali, untuk selalu pergi.

dan pintu yang satu menjadi rumah untuk pintu yang lain. ketika sebuah pintu tertutup maka ada seribu pintu lain yang terbuka.

mediocre

2010-06-21T07:26:00.000+02:00

what happened is this couple of days remind me again that my biggest problem is always and always that i strive to be a mediocre person. yes i have enough brain. yes God gave me so many other things. but somehow i always lack of ambition or persistence to do things (even things that i really like) and end up being a mediocre ones. should i wait until i turn 40?

crap

2010-06-18T14:23:00.003+02:00

my writing is just crap now! terbiasa cuma menulis 140 karakter, now it is very hard for me to write a proper chapter. Dang!

hold my own...

2010-06-14T10:25:00.000+02:00

well, if fix you coldplay always sounds sadder, details in the fabric always able to lift my mood.

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything
Hearts will hold

lost for words...

2010-06-13T19:46:00.000+02:00

i am recently lost for words. after guernsey and two many socks and laundry that i have to do. instead, i listen to the beautiful voice of annie lennox on youtube

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel

what should i do?

2010-06-13T14:35:00.000+02:00

i am not the kind of person who needs too many people around her. in fact, too many people gets me dizzy and i would sure run out of energy. i am a self-diagnosed enochlophobic. as i get older, i also lost interest in making chitchat talk. i want meaningful conversation ( i know, i am so boring).

that's why i am a bit into twitter lately. i could whine, complain, and have a serious talk about socrates and happiness on the same medium. superb!

but yeah, nothing like the real thing they said. nothing beats meaningful conversation over coffee and good laugh. but the down side of it, like the real milli vanilli and madonna's ad without photoshop, real life can be a drag. real people can be disappointing.

my friend hokky said virtual life might be less complicated. no body language. no judgment on appearance. no bad aftertaste. all is cramp into 140 characters with smiley emoticon. everyone is friendly and understanding. well, if don't, you can just unfollow them for the rest of your life without guilty feeling.

if only life is series of smiley emoticon and follow-unfollow act...

socks

2010-06-13T14:07:00.003+02:00

if there is something that i hate to do in this world beside ironing, that would be washing socks. somehow socks-although almost always hidden beneath the shoes-managed to get itself dirty all the times, in no times. i wonder why. and not only dirty, but the kind of get down and dirty that you just can't wash away easily. like a sin.

and how people treat socks is even worse. they toss it into the bin like it's not a smelly dirty thing and just forget about it. i guess people secretly wish that inside the bin there this socks fairy with a handy wand that would clean up the socks in a zippy and deliver the clean socks straight away into the cupboard (i really do wish there is such fairy. i want to have one).

i think i get brain poisoning from washing too many socks.

They pair off and are inseparable.
Geese mate for life.
Dissolving their union on a whim.
Socks, while inanimate, can not remain husband and wife.
-jeff vidrine, socks-

to blame

2010-06-06T23:08:00.001+02:00

why blame others for your own incompetence? childish and cowardice action. always, always, blame others, the short term memory loss, or the familiar, 'i never meant it.'

why not, for once, deal with the problem?

so i was sitting there in the bar and this guy comes up to me and he said,'my life stinks,' and i saw his gold credit card and i saw the way he was looking at people across the room and i looked at his face and you know, what a good looking face, and i just said, 'dude, your perspective on life sucks.'

-mika, blame it on the girl-

pada suatu pagi

2010-06-06T00:33:00.000+02:00

Maka pada suatu pagi hari ia ingin sekali menangis sambil berjalan tunduk sepanjang lorong itu.
Ia ingin pagi itu hujan turun rintik-rintik dan lorong sepi agar ia bisa berjalan sendiri saja sambil menangis dan tak ada orang bertanya kenapa.

Ia tidak ingin menjerit-jerit berteriak-teriak mengamuk memecahkan cermin membakar tempat tidur.
Ia hanya ingin menangis lirih saja sambil berjalan sendiri dalam hujan rintik-rintik di lorong sepi pada suatu pagi.

-sapardi djoko damono-

new blog

2010-05-28T10:06:00.000+02:00

so, i made a new blog. an 'official' blog. a blog that i can share with other people. a blog that doesn't start with 'i think i have PMS i want to kill someone today'. this blog i must admit is too personal for me to share with too many people. and yes, i would post lots of my though there, though perhaps personal feeling would still goes to this blog.

howgh

perjalanan

2010-05-08T07:48:00.000+02:00

Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons,
It is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth.

perjalanan saya yang pertama dahulu adalah ketika ayah saya pindah bekerja ke sebuah kota kecil di tengah hutan sumatra, tanjung enim. satu hari satu malam naik bis malam yang dikemudikan seperti orang gila. beberapa hiburan yang ditemukan hanyalah ketika turun di pelabuhan merak naik kapal laut, atau berhenti makan di rumah makan padang yang entah kenapa memiliki kemampuan untuk sprung out of nowhere.

dari situ saya mulai mencintai pelabuhan. pelabuhan seperti sebuah akhir perjalanan, walaupun sebenarnya dari pelabuhanlah perjalanan lain dimulai. dan saya mulai mengagumi orang padang, yang bisa menghadirkan rendang di tengah hutan.

di tanjung enim yang kecil dan dialiri sungai, saya naik sepeda kemana-mana, atau berjalan kaki. perjalanan kecil saya setiap hari adalah perjalanan pergi dan pulang ke sekolah yang bisa makan waktu sampai dua jam. naik angkutan umum yang disambung jalan kaki. tidak ada keluhan karena saya berjalan bersama anak-anak lain, menyusuri rel kereta api tua yang sudah tidak terpakai. sebagian teman saya, ketika pulang sekolah, memilih untuk menceburkan badan mereka ke sungai sebelum pulang ke rumah. saya beruntung karena ayah saya bukan petinggi yang tinggal di kawasan steril. saya bisa memanjat pohon. bermain di pinggir sungai (karena saya tidak bisa berenang). atau sekedar menunggu duren jatuh milik orang. di tempat ini saya mulai mengenal arti kata rumah.

ketika saya pulang kembali ke bandung, kota ini terasa seperti sebuah kota besar yang menyesakkan buat saya. saya rindu kota kecil saya. saya rindu hutan. rindu sungai. rindu buah-buahan yang saya bisa peroleh gratis hanya dengan berteriak pada pemilik rumah dan memanjat sendiri. saya butuh waktu lama untuk bisa menyesuaikan kembali dengan bandung. dan saya mulai bahagia ketika saya mulai mengenal gunung. gunung-gunung yang mengitari kota bandung. mulai dari burangrang sampai manglayang. sedikit keluar dari bandung, ada papandayan, ada puntang. ada gede pangrango, yang kemudian saya kunjungi rutin seminggu sekali sebagai relawan.

dulu saya pejalan yang tidak suka mengeluh, juga tidak suka berencana. saya masih ingat perjalanan saya ke yogya pertama kali. di pagi hari, saya bilang kalau saya belum pernah ke yogya seumur hidup saya. dimalam harinya, saya sudah ada di kereta malam murah jurusan lempuyangan dengan berbekal puluhan ribu saja. dan itu menjadi salah satu perjalanan paling menyenangkan yang saya ingat. duduk di sambungan kereta berjam-jam, tidur beralaskan koran. mengenal tukang becak baik hati, tinggal di rumah teman, makan nasi kucing dan gudeg dari pagi sampai malam. pulang ketika sudah tidak punya uang, haha. atau ketika saya jalan-jalan ke banten selatan naik elf yang memuat dua tim sepakbola bersama anak-anak geologi menyusur pantai. perjalanan paling menakjubkan. supir elf yang jagoan karena duduk cuma sebelah pantatnya (pintu mobil dibuka dan sebelah pantatnya lagi dibiarkan menjadi teman angin) karena di depan dia menaikkan empat orang, di belakang dua puluh ditambah satu kesebelasan nangkring di atap elf. dan kita bicara kontur jalan seperti di puncak, cuma bedanya di sebelah kiri adalah jurang yang berbatas laut. pemandangannya sulit untuk saya deskripsikan, sampai sekarang.

manusia membuat perjalanan menjadi berbeda. membuat perjalanan jadi sulit dilupakan. dan saya selalu menemukan ketulusan di wajah manusia yang saya temui selama perjalanan, dan itu membahagiakan.

ketika saya mulai bekerja dan meninggalkan perjalanan 'ala sengsara', perjalanan saya didominasi perjalanan kantor yang berarti menginap dari satu hotel mahal ke hotel mahal lainnya, makan di tempat paling enak dan mahal, lalu malam akan berakhir dengan keriuhan yang tidak pernah henti di tempat clubbing. saya selalu jadi juru pemegang kunci mobil. karena saya tidak menyentuh tequila, cosmopolitan atau margarita. keriuhan yang berbeda. dan saya kemudian akan rindu perjalanan sengsara saya. saya kadang suka menyelinap. ketika di yogya. atau naik sepeda dari sheraton lombok ke mangsit. hanya untuk membiarkan angin menyentuh wajah saya atau berbincang dengan orang pertama yang tersenyum pada saya bukan karena keramahan yang dibayar seperti di hotel-hotel.

ketika saya sudah memiliki anak, perjalanan kemudian menjadi berbeda. karena pekerjaan, bianglala mulai ikut terbang dengan saya ketika umurnya enam bulan. dia mulai mengenal kenyamanan hotel berbintang. perjalanan untuk bianglala adalah hotel dengan channel disney, kolam renang, bath-tub besar dan teh hangat yang disediakan di kamar. ketika saya sudah tidak bekerja dan ingin mengajak bianglala jalan-jalan, saya harus bekerja keras untuk membuat bianglala nyaman di perjalanan karena standar dia memang sudah tinggi. lalu perjalananpun menjadi sebuah perencanaan panjang. tidak ada lagi spontanitas.

ketika minggu ini saya disibukkan dengan rencana perjalanan kami berempat ke negara lain, saya tiba-tiba mengenang kembali perjalanan-perjalanan yang pernah saya lakukan. ketika sendiri, saya tidaklah terlalu high maintenance. saya bisa tidur dimana saja, makan apa saja. saya jarang sekali mengomel. ketika bersama keluarga, saya berbeda. saya bahkan tidak berani memacu jetski saya kencang-kencang karena saya khawatir apa yang akan terjadi dengan bianglala kalau saya tidak ada. dulu, saya naik jetski seperti orang gila. saya tidak berubah. hanya saja, keluarga memunculkan dimensi lain dari diri saya.

dan sebagai seorang cancer sejati, perjalanan selalu membuat saya rindu rumah. dan menyadarkan saya, bahwa fitrahnya, manusia itu berada di dalam kesendirian. pertemuan dan perpisahan adalah keniscayaan. absurd-nya keniscayaan itu yang membuat saya terus berjalan.

Mon enfant! I give you my hand!
I give you my love, more precious than money,
I give you myself, before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?
-song of the open road, walt whitman-

teringat padamu

2010-04-30T01:59:00.002+02:00

photo taken from www.russelwongphoto.com

teringat padamu ketika malam menjelma pagi yang kelabu dalam gelapnya.
tidak ada bintang berpendar. dan aku mengingat malam-malammu di bawah naungan bintang yang mungkin sama.
penyesalan yang selalu datang terlambat diam-diam menghampiri pagi itu
menggali lagi ingatan yang dikubur jauh dalam rongga hampa

seperti apa dunia disana? apakah tanpa duka? apakah penuh cahaya?

teringat lagi padamu ketika pagi mengganti malam yang redup tanpa cahaya.
mungkin rumah mungilmu sepi tanpa pengunjung lagi. hanya kamboja
kamboja yang sama yang menemani rumah kita.

kita. kamu. engkau. mereka. dan aku mulai bertanya-tanya.
manusia, fitrahnya selalu sendiri.
apakah kemudian kita memiliki makna?

sepi disini. tanpa suara
apakah disana juga sepi?

-ketika insomnia datang dan teringat seseorang yang telah pergi-
.

in sync

2010-04-29T07:09:00.000+02:00

no, i am not talking about that boysband. not also talking about the software that boasted can sync with anything, including the kitchen (well, typical Apple's arrogant boast). i am talking about in sync with another human being.

synchronizing is hard. it's like dancing tango with someone who insist on doing tap dance instead. it's like Apple and Microsoft (though finally Intel come as the bridge). seperti manusia kiri mentok dan kanan mentok di kampusku dulu.

it kills me. membuatku pengen melemparkan handuk. Gosh!

(in)capable

2010-04-27T16:41:00.000+02:00

since when i feel incapable? well, the feeling is always come and go.

saya bukan pembicara yang baik. setiap kali harus bicara di depan saya seringkali nervous. my mind always think faster than my mouth can speak. dan kalau nervous, semuanya pasti ngaco. dan biasanya, saya terlalu malas untuk berlatih bicara. there you go, the dangerous combination. nervousness and laziness. procrastination makes it extra special. doh!

why i feel nervous lately, i don't know. new place, perhaps. i saw the same thing on my daughter. she's alot like me. alot.

but usually i can always rely on my writing. but lately, i feel that this capability is leaving me also. why, i don't know. all of my stupid writing on this blog never seems to be 'right' (as if a writing on the blog have its right to be right). i just can't get it right.

dan kalau sudah begitu, i would take refugee on milan kundera's book and wander (and wonder) on his eloquent(cy) words. on how perfect he describe and understand feeling (and human. right now am reread immortality for i don't know how many times already).

and it leaves me with nothing. is it?
---
this stupid existentialism thing. why should i bother?
.

the beauty of the (not so) beautiful

2010-04-27T14:19:00.002+02:00

couple of days ago i went to this big park. huge park with loads of flower. there's lots of beautiful flower it's almost overwhelming. lots of people come to the park since the park opens only in spring time (march till may). and too many people made it even more overwhelming for me.

at first, like thousands of people who come to the park, i was in awe. hundreds of beautiful flower in any color you can think of (i started to think that pantone color is not that original. what kind of hue and shade of color that isn't available in the nature world?). but after i walk several hundred meters, i started to feel overwhelming and bored by all those beautiful flower. after i walk for half day and my feet started to feel sore, i feel sad. the world of those flower in the park was so much alike with the world of human. we too praise all of the things that beautiful, sometimes too much it made the not so beautiful thing felt lack of something. or lack of self worthy. we strive for perfection, from the architectural building to the shape of woman's body. we forget plain and common things, we don't tolerate ugliness, hate them, put them away.

and while i watch the beautiful girl with barbie-like feature smiling brightly next to the bright and beautiful tulips, i felt sorry for the plain and common-look grass that looking pale in comparison with the tulips. i felt sad for the shy shrub that only produce tiny negligible flower that almost invisible from my view. i felt compassion toward those not so beautiful thing in that park.i felt a solidarity toward them (haha, maybe because me myself never felt 'that beautiful' i must confess).

i read somewhere that people act nicer-even little kids-to beautiful people. so it's human to drawn to beautiful things (or people). it's human to drawn to perfection. but would it makes me less human if i choose to love the plain grass over the beautiful tulips?

She's an ugly girl, does it make you want to kill her?
She's an ugly girl, do you want to kick in her face?
She's an ugly girl, she doesn't pose a threat.
She's an ugly girl, does she make you feel safe?
Ugly girl, ugly girl, do you hate her
'Cause she's pieces of you?
-Jewel, Pieces of You-
.

it's just me-la fille danse

2010-04-21T10:22:00.002+02:00

Edvard Munch-Anxiety

maybe it's just me, that so out of this world. maybe it's just the chronic un-adaptability and chronic mental. maybe it's just me.

Loving is fine if you have plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind
Loving is fine if it's not in your mind
But I've f***ed it up now, too many times
Loving is good if it's not understood
Yeah, but I'm the professor
And feel that I should know
What makes her come and what makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away yeah
What makes him stall, what makes him stand
And what shakes the elephant now
And what makes a man?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know you any more

-damien rice, la professor la fille danse-
.

homesick

2010-04-15T17:08:00.001+02:00

picture: homesick willow, koldo barosso (2008)

been around the world, there's no place like home...

today actually a bright day. the sun shine -aside the news that volcano eruption in iceland might affect the weather- people go out, baring themselves and showering themselves with the ray of the sun. and suddenly i just feel lost.

in between all those people who want to get tanned -while we're the Indonesian always hide from the sun-, crowd in the market today, all those happy cheery face of spring, suddenly i just felt lost. suddenly i just miss home. where all the comfort is. where all the sun, the sea, and all people and things that mattered. things i do that mattered.

maybe it's my hormone. dang!

homesick
cause I no longer know
what home is

-homesick, kings of convenience-
.

i am in love with my Mac

2010-04-15T11:13:00.000+02:00

ok, that's probably not a big news but yes, i am truly in love with Mac. Since my iBook day (yang jatuh dari motor dan hilang), then my iPod (yang kebuang di tempat sampah), and now i am using this second MacBook white yang aku banting-banting sampe ga bisa aku pake CD-Rom-nya, i just love this beautiful creature that wasn't even alive but so beautiful oh it's comparable with Monet painting on its wallpaper. It's so beautiful that everytime i open a Window based computer i feel sad with its boring and drab look and typo.

I want a new one. A MacBook white. Not pro. Not silver. Not air. Not iPad. A white MacBook. Ahhh, now i understand how Adam's feel when he staring at those apple. I am staring at those Apple and i want one!

on memory

2010-04-13T16:40:00.000+02:00

as a recorder, the brain does a notoriously wretched job. tragedies and humiliations seem to be etched most sharply, often with the most unbearable exactitude, while those memories we think we really need—the name of the acquaintance, the time of the appointment, the location of the car keys—have a habit of evaporating.

-memory, national geography-

would you choose to remember all, or to forget all? and why oh why do we have to remember all the tragedies and wretched things that happened to us in the past?
.

toothache week

2010-04-10T08:08:00.001+02:00

finally, i get rid of the toothache (and get rid of the molar teeth causing the pain, hiks). now i understand the idiom 'there's a hole in me (soul)'. without my molar teeth, i feel so holey (not holy!) and incomplete. but life must go on (not to mention that i have to keep on chewing). so i take a deep breath, brush my teeth with my new electric brush, and smile (whoaaa..untung giginya bukan yang di depan yang copot ya? waduh!).

the bad side of having a toothache, i just can't enjoying my easter holiday. we kind of trapped at home last weekend. the good side of it, now i can tell how wrong Mr Meggy Z is (with all due respect sir, but i guess you never had toothache). Sakit gigi lebih ga enak dibandingkan sakit hati. Sakit hati i can still eat (happily and greedily. Actually eating can help your heartbreak, IMO). Sakit gigi? Whoaa...satu nasi aja masuk ke lubang gigi it hurts like hell ( i know i am overrated here since definitely i never experience real hell. Well, if hell is other people as Sartre pointed out, then i have!). Anyway, i don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but toothache makes me read. And am still reading my Dawkins (it's maybe a bad news for my faith. But what is faith if it isn't being challenge?).

anyway, last night before sleeping i was mumbling to my husband whether he thinks God is on man's side since God of the Abrahamic religion sounds so 'male chauvinistic' (i blamed it on Dawkins and Karen Armstrong for those question). He laughed. And i was mumbling again saying that even non-Abrahamic religion are male-centered. Gery Larkin admitted it in her book. 'Do you think we should set up a new religion with a women as a prophet?' i was asking a very rhetorical question to my husband. And he laughed, again. 'Don't we have one, you know, Lia Eden?'. I was frowning. 'I need a saner prophet. Some rational zealot. Someone with rationality akin to that of Dawkins.'

But then again, the atheist and agnostic called religion insanity. No wonder people like Ibu Lia found herself comfort in her religion.

I have to say that i have to give my husband credit for taking my crazy mumbling and rambling easily. He never took offense when i asked the most inappropriate question. I guess he always knew, for me, questioning is part of my learning. With another kind of hubby, i would probably resemble 'no good of a wife, deserve beating and burn in hell'.

Anyway, why can't we challenge our faith? I guess i would never be on the 'taqlid' side. I've been questioning God since i was very young and as far as i drifted away, i have to say i was happy (or lucky) that i always find God back again and to pretend that i would never ask those question is just being dishonest. If some people think that i resemble the unfaithful, so be it.

I guess it must be my toothache. Makes me rambling crazily like this. Yeah, blame it on the toothache.
.

Pertanyaan tentang Tuhan

2010-04-09T14:41:00.003+02:00

(resensi buku yang belum selesai)

Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try
No hell below us, above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

Imagine there's no countries, it isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too
Imagine all the people, living life in peace

Imagine-John Lennon

Saya belum selesai membaca Dawkins. Baru separuhnya. Tapi sudah gatal menulis. Saya kutip ini dari facebook seorang teman. Syahdan, Ibu Sina berkata bahwa di bumi ini hanya ada dua macam manusia, yang berakal tapi tidak beragama, atau yang beragama tapi tidak berakal. Dawkins jelas masuk kategori yang pertama.

Dawkins menulis bukunya dengan harapan bahwa semua yang memiliki agama akan menjadi ateis, atau minimal agnostik. Sebuah harapan yang 'optimistik'. Saya tipikal orang yang suka membenturkan diri. Saya bukan domba yang diatur jalannya. Saya dikaruniai otak oleh Tuhan. Jadi mengapa tidak saya membaca buku ini yang katanya revolusioner dan menohok ini. Sebelum membaca, saya sedikit takut bahwa dengan membaca buku ini, saya akan jadi ateis, hehe. Saya sudah bertanya pada suami saya apakah dia keberatan kalau saya membuka jilbab dan menjadi ateis, dan dia cuma tertawa (suami yang baik, atau gila seperti istrinya?). Saya asumsikan itu sebagai tidak. Jadi saya teruskan membaca bukunya.

Baiklah saya mulai. Dawkins seorang ilmuwan. Seorang ahli biologi. Penganut paham Darwin. Dawkins menyandarkan semua teorinya tentang 'kegilaan' tentang Tuhan ini pada rasionalitas ilmu. Bahwa sampai saat ini, Tuhan tidak bisa dibuktikan keberadaannya. Bahwa Darwin dan teori Penciptaan Pertama menentang cerita-cerita agama Samawi tentang Adam dan dunia diciptakan dalam tujuh hari. Orang yang mengatakan bahwa untuk percaya Tuhan memang butuh 'faith' saja, tidak bisa dibenarkan dalam kerangka rasionalitas Dawkins.

Dari sini saya mulai skeptis. Saya bukan ilmuwan. Apalagi ahli biologi (tapi suami saya iya ya, hehe). Saya tahu bahwa dalam teori Darwin ada missing link yang sampai sekarang masih belum ditemukan. Nah, menganalisa Tuhan menggunakan teori belum lengkap? Kedua, sebut saya skeptis, tapi sampai sekarang saya masih beranggapan bahwa ilmu pengetahuan adalah 'sophisticated hocus-pocus'. Semua ilmu itu benar sampai terbukti salah, atau ada yang lebih benar. Ilmu pengetahuan seperti jalan panjang menuju kebenaran sejati. Dan menganalisa Tuhan mengandalkan peer review (seperti climate change yang tidak juga dipercayai orang Amerika karena lack of peer review) buat saya is just as ridiculous as believing in religion blindly. Buat saya, believing in God does takes a leap of faith. Dan jika Dawkins memutuskan untuk tidak percaya Tuhan sampai terbukti sebaliknya, saya memutuskan untuk percaya Tuhan sampai terbukti sebaliknya.

Yang menarik, di dalam buku itu Dawkins mengungkapkan bahwa Pascal membuat sebuah teorema yang menurut saya lucu. Saya baru tahu kalau Pascal membuat teorema seperti itu. Katanya, lebih menguntungkan jadi orang beragama, karena kalau dia salah, yah, dia ga rugi apa-apa (toh Tuhan itu tidak ada), tapi kalau dia benar (dan orang ateis salah), dia untung dan orang ateis masuk neraka :D. Speaking about the most funniest (with a hint of irony) zero sum game :p

Akan tetapi, saya memahami kegusaran Dawkins pada agama. Agama yang seharusnya menjadi lilin penerang dan menjadi berkah untuk umat manusia saat ini menjadi sumber pertikaian, kerakusan, politik, dan kekerasan. Jadi kita beragama untuk apa? Mengapa Tuhan terlihat begitu kejam, keras, jahat dan tanpa ampunan jika kita melihat wajah para pengikutnya? Jika agama seharusnya membuat dunia menjadi lebih baik, mengapa pembunuhan dan kekerasan terus menerus muncul atas nama agama? Tidakkah relevan ketika para ateis dan agnostik kemudian menyerukan, mungkin lebih baik sebuah dunia tanpa agama seperti dinyanyikan dengan penuh harapan oleh John Lennon?

Saya juga sepakat bahwa kritik terhadap agama-seperti apapun bentuknya-seharusnya dibiarkan saja. Tuhan (untuk yang percaya Tuhan) mungkin untouchable, tapi agama yang ada saat ini adalah organisasi-organisasi yang dijalankan manusia. Dan manusia, being the human that he/she is, menyimpan dua sisi mata uang pada dirinya. Kritik dibutuhkan untuk memberi alternatif. Saya entah kenapa tidak sepakat dengan ide bahwa 'umat itu tidak tahu mana yang baik mana yang buruk sehingga yang buruk harus dijauhkan'. Apa gunanya seseorang yang tidak bisa berpikir untuk dirinya sendiri, yang tidak bisa membedakan baik dan buruk? Apakah Tuhan yang dipercayai karena tidak ada pilihan lain adalah tipikal umat teladan? Tipikal umat yang seperti domba yang menurut saja kemana penggembalanya pergi?

Jadi, mungkin saya termasuk yang 'wear my faith lightly' karena menurut saya, walaupun tidak selalu sepakat dengan JIL, JIL seharusnya tetap ada. Jika kita membiarkan opini agama berbau kekerasan dan pedang, kenapa kita harus benci dengan opini berbau liberal? Biarkan pilihannya jadi banyak. Biar kita semua bisa menentukan kebenaran milik kita sendiri. Biarkan Salman Rusdhie menulis apapun tanpa harus dihadiahi ancaman hukuman mati. Seperti kata Gus Dur, Tuhan itu tidak perlu dibela (dan seperti kata seorang ateis di bukunya Dawkins, toh kalau kita benar, orang-orang ateis akan masuk neraka, tidakkah itu cukup?).

Buku yang menohok memang. Masih harus melanjutkan membaca walaupun kelihatannya dia tidak akan membuat saya menjadi ateis (tapi membuat saya jadi tertarik pada manusia bernama Darwin dan teorinya). Membuat saya berpikir. Mungkin saya harus belajar bahasa Arab. Bukan untuk bergenit-genit menyapa antum, akhi, ente. Tapi untuk menemukan kebenaran di lembaran-lembaran suci itu tanpa bias manusia lain.

Wallahualam.
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tuesday rambling..ahhh

2010-03-31T10:42:00.000+02:00

it's irritating, almost sad, that in here it's very hard to find (available) dentist. i had my first ever toothache that made my cheek and jaw swollen i almost refuse to see myself in the mirror. i am channeling the Klingon. i was thinking that i could go out -adding extra wrinkle on my forehead- and i would be completely Klingon-ish. except that it's Easter now, not Halloween and i might scare a few of Bianglala's friend when i pick her up after school today. so i drop the idea. though, i love Klingon. And Lieutenant Commander Data. and though i love Klingon, Data, and Star Trek in general, like Freddie Mercury, i don't watch Star Wars. I don't care that people said it's epic, one of the best movie ever (ever is always overrated, i think). I just don't have the appetite for Star Wars. Though i love the idea of Ewan McGregor as Obi Wan Kenobi. Love Ewan from his Trainspotting period and love him more when i watched his documentary 'Long Way Down'. It's just great that a pretty face and an actor his caliber willing to go on a road trip covering with dust, crackle with tiredness, and lack of proper food. It made him so...human.

Anyway, back to the dentist. Finally find one who willing to accept me that sans verblijft and sans insurance. Got the appointment for late this afternoon. Hope he could help with the swollen.

And by the way, i activated my facebook again. Though i didn't find it as amusing as it was. Well, just activated it because some significant people still browse the pictures of my two kids everyday and i know they will miss it. So i just activated it and ignore it. Get my rambling place more than enough in this blog and twitter (with all those witty or trying so hard to be witty people). Internet, except for it's googling ability and map (i guess the credit all goes to Google) bores me today, especially with my vow that i would not go shopping online all through this April (sigh, but you have to understand the temptation and the glory, all the beauty you feel and capture when you browse all those expensive stuff in those beautiful web although you know that Topshop and Marks and Spencer is always the place you end up with)

So i think about books. Books that i bring from Bandung. Books that i haven't read. And yeah, with my swollen jaw, my influenza body, what would be more entertaining than a sit on a couch with warm blanket, jasmine tea, and Richard Dawkins ranting about God (or its nonexistent) in his God Delusion.

So yeah, i still believe life is good. And i love you. And yeah, i have to vacuum some more...

spring is here, finally

2010-03-30T11:05:00.001+02:00

setelah musim dingin yang berkepanjangan, akhirnya di pertengahan maret matahari memutuskan untuk menampakkan wajahnya lebih sering. danau-danau yang membeku perlahan mencair. bunga-bunga liar yang tertidur sepanjang salju tiba-tiba muncul dimana-mana. dan bunga-bunga itu, entah bagaimana caranya, membuatku merasa bahagia (mungkin beginilah arti kata berbunga-bunga).

spring is here, finally. dan saya pun bernyanyi bersama edie brickell.

You don't even have to try
It comes easy for you
The way you move is so appealing
It could make me cry
Go out driving with my friends
In Bobby's big old beat up car
I'm with a lot of people then
I wonder where you are

I don't want to say goodbye
Don't want to walk you to the door
I spend a little time with you
I want a little more

Good times, bad times, give me some of that
Good times, bad times, give me some of that
Good times, bad times, give me some of that

my inspiration (or mood) board

2010-03-28T10:19:00.002+02:00

isaac mizrahi said that inspiration board or mood board would give you lots of idea(s) and keeps you creative (for whatever your purpose is). since i have no board (and too lazy to buy one), so i keep my board here. enjoy (or not, hehe).

monet, foto yang jadi wallpaper komputerku. poppy field (hehe).

the beautiful dress from the beautiful and vegan stella mccartney. it's just beautiful. i don't understand how some people actually made clothes this beautiful it's almost edible :p

flower(s). since, you know, it's spring...

the natural well in Yucatan, Mexico, photo taken from NatGeo. They always have thousands of amazing pictures and never fails to entertain me.

the shipping news

2010-03-23T11:52:00.000+01:00

saya membeli buku ini di pasar buku bekas. saya suka pasar buku bekas. banyak harta karun yang bisa didapat dengan harga yang mencengangkan. dulu, saya dapat leaves of grass-nya walt whitman versi orisinil (baca: tua dan sobek-sobek) dengan harga lima ribu saja dan saya bingung siapa yang dengan senang hatinya berpisah dengan si legenda dunia puisi Amerika itu. tapi ya, ada saja. Shipping News-nya Annie Proulx saya dapat dengan harga dua puluh ribu saja (bandingkan dengan Brokeback Mountain yang saya beli di Kinokuniya dengan harga sepuluh kali lipatnya padahal Brokeback Mountain itu tipisnya minta ampun).

saya pertama kali berkenalan dengan Annie Proulx lewat Brokeback Mountain. Filmnya bagus, saya jadi merasa harus membaca bukunya. Dari buku itu-Brokeback Mountain- saya suka Annie Proulx. Kalau Milan Kundera dengan pemahaman soal manusia yang sama ekstensif-nya bercerita tentang manusia kadang dengan nada nyinyir dan sarkastis, Annie Proulx seperti seorang ibu yang tahu kelakuan anak-anaknya dan memakluminya. Tulisannya liris, membuat saya ikut menangis, tapi juga pada saat yang sama penuh harapan. Seperti manusia.

Terus terang, di awal saya sempat terjebak dengan cover-nya yang tidak menarik (pepatah don't judge a book by its cover sungguh berlaku kali ini). Saya membeli buku itu karena hanya ingin membaca Annie Proulx yang lain. Ekspektasi saya rendah.

Tapi ternyata, seperti dengan banyak buku bagus lainnya, saya tidak bisa berhenti membaca. Dan kemudian saya baru tahu kalau buku ini yang membuat Annie Proulx memenangkan hadiah Pulitzer.

Tokoh utamanya adalah seorang antihero bernama Quayle. Tipikal orang yang mungkin tidak akan kita lirik saat bertemu di jalan. A wretch, a doormat. Pada umur 36, ia seorang jurnalis kelas kacang yang tidak punya masa depan, menikah dengan seorang perempuan yang tidak mencintainya yang bahkan tidak pernah mengurusi dua anaknya dari Quayle. Tidak ada yang mencintainya, bahkan orangtuanya. A complete loser. Saya rasa, kalau Van Gogh bisa menuliskan perasaannya, seperti itulah Quayle.

Hidupnya kemudian berubah karena beberapa kejadian. Orangtuanya yang sakit kemudian memutuskan bunuh diri. Istrinya yang meninggal dalam kecelakaan pada saat hendak lari bersama pacarnya setelah sebelumnya dia menjual kedua anaknya. Dengan bujukan bibinya, dan tawaran pekerjaan yang lebih stabil di sebuah kota kecil di Newfoundland, Quayle bersama kedua anaknya yang berhasil diselamatkan dari trafficking pindah ke kota itu, menempati sebuah rumah tua warisan orangtuanya.

Cerita kemudian beralih pada sebuah kota kecil yang beruratnadi pada pada para nelayan. Tentang alam yang tidak punya belas kasihan, akan tetapi selalu ada orang-orang berurat baja yang menantang dan memenangi pertarungan-atau percumbuan dengan alam. Tentang Shipping News, koran kecil dimana Quayle menjadi editornya. Tentang kehidupan. Dengan lirisnya Annie Proulx bercerita tentang betapa kita seringkali berpegangan pada ingatan yang bisa jadi menyesatkan. Quayle yang selalu mengingat istrinya dengan penuh kehangatan, walaupun pada kenyataannya sang istri tidak punya hati dan tidak pernah memperlakukannya dengan baik, dan ingatan itu membuatnya sulit untuk bergerak maju.

Seperti kata Sartre, hell is other people. Kita hidup di dalam lingkaran setan pandangan orang lain. Ketika semua orang mengatakan pada Quayle bahwa dia bukan apa-apa dan tidak akan menjadi apa-apa sejak dia kecil, dia mempercayainya. Dia percaya bahwa dia tidak berarti dan bersikap seperti itu. Ketika orang lain memperlakukannya seperti sampah, dia berterimakasih karena setidaknya orang itu mau berinteraksi dengannya. Kita percaya that we deserved to be treated second best. Luka psikologisnya akan menganga sepanjang usia. Bahkan ketika ada orang yang dengan tulusnya memperlakukan kita dengan baik atau mempercayai bahwa kita bisa melakukan banyak hal, kita tidak ingin mempercayainya. That we deserved it.

Tapi seperti kata Annie Proulx, heart have its hope. Hati mungkin seperti pagar yang ditimbun paku, walaupun semua paku kemudian dibuang bekasnya akan tetap menempel. Tapi hati juga punya kemampuan self-healing yang akan membuat bekas paku itu tertutupi oleh rasa baru.

Heart have its hope. Never ever believe that you deserved second best. Everybody deserved to be treated kindly. Even Quayle. And you and me.

Dan di dinginnya New Foundland menjelang salju berguguran, dengan perahunya yang baru, dua anak yang dicintai dan mencintainya, Quayle belajar bahwa manusia selalu punya harapan. Bahwa dia punya kekuatan karakter yang selama ini dia tidak pernah tahu. Bahwa dia selalu tulus mencintai, walaupun tidak selalu dicintai. Dan ketika bertemu dengan orang-orang yang melihat ketulusan itu, dunia pun menjadi sebuah dunia yang berbeda.

hundred tears away

2010-03-23T10:39:00.002+01:00

this morning i give myself a good cry. with this song playing in my head, i pray for a stronger soul. i have so many choices. so many choices, i try to tell that to myself. take charge. don't blame others. other people can make you feel bad only if you allowed them. and murakami's word, pain is inevitable dear, but suffering is optional. i can take charge of my overabundance emotion.

i am this very sensitive woman-for the better and worse part of it- my senses are not working like the rest of the world. as good as i could smell bad things almost like a psychic, or how i could cry on a silly small things that moved me like the first flower of spring, my senses easily spot something 'not proper' and get hurt easily. it's hard being me when my senses are exposed to so many sensation.

i guess that's why i love solitude. when it's just me and myself.

and i feel a deep longing for a place i could call home. oh, me...

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel the sadness

Go ahead and sail now
Just give in to the ocean
The only way to tame your fear
Is to feel her rocky motion

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart, you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

Go ahead and listen
Just give into the voices
You think you're backed into a corner
But you've got so many choices

You're a long way from some place you feel safe
Peace of mine comes from just one place

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
Is just 100 tears away

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart, you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
Is just 100 tears away

Whatever it is that'll make you feel good
You can have if you want, if you knew that you could

Is closer than you think
Is just 100 tears away

-Vonda Shephard, 100 tears away, soundtrack of Ally McBeal -

recipe (part 2)

2010-03-22T13:25:00.000+01:00

since the blogspot somehow doesn't accomodate too many page (and i hate to mixed my good for nothing curhat with my virtual cookbook), so i move the recipe to wordpress (since multiply now somehow fails to amuse me).

yeah, i started to love cook. strange but true

solitude

2010-03-22T12:47:00.001+01:00

picture: Eylem Aladogan (1975), Fortitude Solitude, 2009, mixed graphic techniques on paper, 71 x 59 cm

-what you don't know you can feel somehow-

U2, beautiful day

today i am deactivating my facebook for personal reason. the facebook. not the twitter. somehow i feel better without it.

i mean, in real life i have like less than 50, maybe 20 people that i could considered as real friend, and here i am having more than 600 people, some that i don't even remember who they are (sorry). in twitter, i learn my lesson to be very selective and somehow the atmosphere there is more comfortable than facebook. beside, you could mercilessly unfollow and blocked people. something that i have to think about in facebook without creating drama.

and the drama of it. i mean, facebook is full with drama that sometimes makes me feel tired. i am reading too many signs (yeah, i read signs, that's how i sometimes act 'mama lauren'ish), and too much as in too much, tiring me. and today my solitude mood takes on. so i decided to jump off the ramp.

but i'll be back. yeah, maybe. we'll see.

for now, i would count on my feelings only. like bono said, what you don't know you can feel somehow. or maybe, what you don't know would makes you at peace (fool but peaceful :p). after all, i am a jedi :D
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recipe(s)

2010-03-11T21:52:00.003+01:00

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i can't believe that i am actually making a page about recipe. ohmaygad. but if you understand my problem with QC a.k.a quality control of my food (meaning, if i found a good recipe i would make a fantastic dinner but if it happened that i stumbled into the blah kind, or meager ones, hmm...sometimes i don't even want to eat it), you would understand the decision that i made is actually a proper one and it's very important because the life of two adult and two cute kids are depends on that (oh, well, their food is). cooking might not interesting for me, but eating does. and i think i would do anything to get proper food (like making a page on my blog dedicated to good recipe (oh well, recipe(s) that i love :p)).

well, i could say this, people change and can change their mind (including my hating of recipe blogs). let's all keep an open mind and hope all of us always be enlighten. now let's move on.
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it's complicated

2010-03-10T20:24:00.004+01:00

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I can smell the sorrow on your breath
The sweat, the victory and sorrow
The smell of fear, I got it

e-bow the letter, r.e.m.

human being are so complicated.

yesterday i received a tweet from a friend of mine, said, 'if you have food on your table, clothes on your body, and roof over your head, you're richer than 75% of the rest of the world.' the tweet gaves me instant gratification. i mean, hey, i am luckier than 4.5 million people in this world. lots of people out there in far worst condition than me. i should be thankful.

but today, when i read about corey haim and the fact that he die of drug overdose, i just went numb. i mean, obviously, food on your table, clothes on your body and roof over your head are not enough. an actor, the fame and fortune kind, die of drug abuse. obviously, he's not happy. obviously, there's something wrong. no, and it's not just the fame and fortune's kinda problem. it's ours, the modern homo sapiens's problem. celebrity are just the tip of our iceberg.

in his book three cups of tea, greg mortensen quotes a woman who questioning whether the people who living on the far-reach village should be escorted to modernity or leave them that way. she said that they might not rich nor educated, but you can't claimed that they're unhappy. they have this sort of serene happiness. the kind of raw happiness that you feel when you come to a faraway place, saw all the greenery and people waves their hands happily at your arrival. but though i think, when they see the world (and it's possibility) outside of their little village, they may not as content as they were before. they want the change. they want to look beautiful and respectful like the urban. like the americans. like all the movie in hollywood. or bollywood. or those crappy sinetron.

but those beautiful movie-like urban people are not feeling enough just with roof, clothes, and food. they want more. we're human being are greedy we want everything. education. respect. love. beauty. and if we can engineered it, we will. if we can create God, we will too (or have we?). like there's this black hole inside of us it will sucks everything into it without a trace. we want to mended the hole. with love. shopping some more. or crack and joint. or God. or gods.

and here i am asking myself, as part of those modern homo sapiens, what do i want outta life. or if i may rephrase the question, why do i sometimes not feeling happy although i have roof over my head, food on my table, and clothes on my body (and more clothes on my cupboard, and more shoes, and more, and more)? what makes those village people happy although they might not have roof over their head, on on their table, and the only clothes they have is the clothes they wear on their body? if the essence of life can be summarized in two or three words, what would it be?

it's complicated. human being are.
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on lighter note

2010-03-08T21:18:00.002+01:00

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kelihatannya saya memang menelan sesuatu yang salah sehingga mood saya buruk hari ini. setelah anak-anak tidur berpelukan barusan, dan saya bisa gosok gigi dan cuci muka serta membaca novel (to be)-nya pay, saya merasa seratus kali lebih baik. mungkin karena saya berpikir hendak meng-sms adik saya menitip DVD bajakannya Shakrukh Khan (maafkan Shakrukh, tapi disini susah dapat DVD asli My Name is Khan. Atau kamu jualan DVD-nya online?)

hari yang sebenarnya tidak terlalu buruk. setelah kemarin nomor 46 dengan baik hatinya membuangkan sampah saya, hari ini no 44 mengajak saya berbincang. tidak, saya tidak bicara kode rahasia. no 46 dan no 44 adalah tetangga-tetangga saya di jalan para raja-raja ini ( di groningen, seperti di bandung (atau bandung yang meniru belanda yang jadi masterplan-nya groningen ya?), nama-nama jalan yang serupa atau sejenis dikelompokkan pada satu daerah kecamatan atau istilah di sini, buurt. Nah, daerah rumah saya adalah daerah dimana jalannya menggunakan nama-nama para raja yang pernah memerintah negeri walanda ini). Tetangga saya no.46 kelihatannya blasteran atau campuran dan masih muda, dan dengan baiknya kemarin membuangkan sampah saya ketika dia melihat saya repot bersama dua anak kecil yang kepingin ikut buang sampah. Tetangga saya no. 44 kelihatannya Belanda baik yang menyapa duluan ketika tadi saya pulang menjemput anak saya sekolah. Kami berbicara sedikit. Dia ramah. Tahu bahwa saya baru datang. Tololnya, saya lupa memperkenalkan diri ataupun menanyakan namanya. Lain kali, saya akan tanya. Mungkin mengirimkan bunga. Karena saya ingin dikirimi kue, haha.

Dia tidak takut saya teroris karena saya pakai jilbab. Mungkin karena ada anak-anak. Mungkin karena dia bukan pendukung partai Wilders. Mungkin karena dia open mind. Mungkin karena kami bicara bahasa yang sama. Bahasa senyum. Ketika saya memulai tersenyum, sedikit sekali yang tidak tersenyum kembali pada saya. Dan menyapa. Dan membantu, dengan berbagai cara.

Tidakkah manusia indah? Di luar kotak-kotak ras dan agama, yang paling penting, adalah berbuat baik. Karena saya rasa, kebaikan adalah cerminan ajaran Tuhan yang paling universal.

Dan saya sedang bertanya, apakah Islam memang mengajarkan kekerasan?

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exhausted and confused

2010-03-08T19:25:00.001+01:00

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mungkin karena saya tidur ditendangi az terus. mungkin karena tadi pagi saya harus mencuci seprai yang dipipisi bianglala. mungkin karena hari ini hari senin. mungkin karena saya merasa kurang kasih sayang. mungkin karena komputer saya yang selain super lelet, saya juga harus meninju huruf k-nya supaya muncul di tulisan. mungkin, karena saya menonton debat tariq ramadhan dan douglas saya lupa nama belakangnya tadi di BBC. mungkin juga karena saya sedang datang bulan.

mood saya terbang entah kemana.

untuk pertama kalinya, saya mempertanyakan semua yang selama ini saya percayai hampir taklid. Oh, well, dulu pernah juga, tapi tidak sebanyak ini.

memang kebenaran itu harus ditemukan sendiri. saya melirik buku yang belum juga selesai saya baca dan Quran yang sudah lama teronggok tidak saya sentuh.

Bacalah. Bacalah. Itu perintah Tuhan yang pertama

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the bandaged ear

2010-03-05T18:05:00.003+01:00

this is one of the paintings of van gogh that i love. self portrait with bandaged ear. van gogh painted this after he quarreled with his best friend -or he considered to be- paul gauguin. after the quarrel, he cutted his ear, and after that, he painted this picture (actually there are two paintings, one is without the smoke pipe, and somehow, i like this one better).

i want to go to the museum and see the real picture with my own two eyes. want to feel the sadness and emptiness that he felt...
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mimpi borges

2010-03-04T20:25:00.002+01:00

tiba-tiba aku bermimpi menjadi borges. si buta yang mabuk imajinasi. melihat tanah merah muda. daun seperti biola dan langit bianglala yang awannya memuntahkan ribuan ikan-ikan yang berlarian mengejar permen-permen pastel seperti di dunia Dibo.

tiba-tiba aku ingat, akulah borges. mataku adalah indra yang tidak bisa melihat setajam rasa. rasaku bisa tahu.

ketika aku tanpa mata, apakah kau yang punya indra itu bisa bercerita semua yang ada sebenarnya tak ada? atau kau bercerita tentang khayal juga? lalu, apa bedanya kau dengan aku yang buta?

waktu rindu

2010-03-04T10:39:00.004+01:00

djenar maesa ayu pernah menulis tentang waktu yang relatif dalam cerita yang kemudian jadi cerpen terbaik kompas, waktu nayla. ketika kita sedang bersama dengan seseorang yang kita cinta, waktu berlalu seperti angin. ketika kita sedang menunggu ketidakpastian, waktu beranjak seperti seekor semut yang hendak mengukur jalan raya.

saya rasa, teori canggih einstein juga diawali dari relativitas waktu yang dirasakan sang jenius ketika sedang melakukan berbagai hal. sayangnya saya belum sempat membaca bukunya lightman, einstein's dream.

kemarin-kemarin, saya merasa waktu berjalan cepat sekali. mungkin karena musim dingin. siang hari pendek, dan sisanya gelap. dan gelap selalu mengajak kita tidur. sekarang, ketika suami pergi selama dua minggu dan matahari mulai bersinar setiap hari, saya merasa hari berjalan seperti siput. jika siput bahagia dengan kecepatannya, saya ingin dua minggu beranjak tanpa saya rasakan. walaupun musim semi dengan hari yang panjang memang menyenangkan. tapi saya merasa kurang. tetap kurang.

mungkin karena saya rindu. kamu. dan seperti biasa, memandang gambar salvador dali persistence of memory di google, saya sadar, ingatan itu juga yang membuat rindu. dan rindu membuat waktu berhenti berdetak

a very (hectic) birthday day for you...:D

2010-02-28T16:37:00.001+01:00

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it seems to start okay in the morning. i mean, what can go wrong? this is sunday (morning) after all. should become a perfect day. the kids are all cheer up, though Bianglala still a bit grumpy because Intan leave yesterday to Indonesia, and leave the three of us here. Lost in Translation in Groningen.

The episode started when i want to top up my mobile phone. In here, you can do it through the internet using the combination of the provider's website and our bank (account) website. I did it a few times so i was really think i can do it this time, but the forgetful me really forget how. So i input the wrong number. And the card, the debit card, was lock.

I was panicked. I mean, here where my credit card is not useful, debit card is our life (to shop). And i only have 20 euro in my pocket to go through the rest of 17 days without money (and Intan). And we buy our groceries weekly which mean i don't stuffed too many items in our little fridge.

And the scene didn't stop there. I can't call Intan. Somehow Az managed to breaking down our phone into the state of 'unusable'. i was really a bit mad at him. because now, without the phone, we can't contact anyone.

and finally Intan called from the airport. Thank God! Though he can't give me the money that i want, but he can top up my mobile (which mean i can make a phone call), and tell me where to find the old phone to replace the one that Az break. So i can make arrangement (or not?) to the bank. Oh, well, there still hopes.

but just when i think the difficulty in today has over, Intan called again. This time. 'I miss the flight.' I was like,'What do you mean you miss the flight? You said you were standing in front of the gate all this time?'. It turned out that hearing my story and imagining me and kids without money for two weeks and a half, he was panicked and hurry out of his line. and when he come back, the gate was closed and another airlines on queue. while he must-must be in Indonesia on Monday. He was panicked. Running back and forth from one airlines to another. I try to make it easier for him by search the internet. finally i find this online travel agent that could make Intan arrived in Jakarta on Monday night. but Intan must stop in London. and Kualalumpur. So i do the booking. And i was hoping that the e-ticket would arrived on his email like soon, only to find out that in the travel agent website, it was stated that the e-ticket would be presented in two days. two days? but he just book a flight for three hour from now? Dang! How could i miss it? (of course i could, because the web is in Dutch, and i am Nederlandse blind). Beuh!

I was desperate. I decided to stop, take a deep breath, and pray. And Intan decided to buy another ticket from KLM when the guy from the travel agent called saying he just send the e-ticket. What? that's really an excellent news, sir. Bedankt voor jou hulp! You're so sweet (And Intan, already standing for the third time in front of KLM customer service, finally could breathe)

Then there's this chance that Intan might no be able to enter Heathrow since he doesn't have UK passport. But let's cross our finger and hope it might be okay.

And we almost forget that today is his birthday! Happy birthday! Land safely in Indonesia, will you. Oh, and if it is not too much to ask, try not to miss another flight, will you?

A very hectic day. But still, God's help is very near. Thank YOU
.

breathe

2010-02-26T22:35:00.004+01:00

.
okay, maybe i am exhausted. in between never ending laundry, always dirty dishes, and my son's constant nagging, here i am i desperately need a break. but i can't have a break. not without thinking that my son needs to change his diapers, or my sick daughter needs to drink her medicine. no. someone must think about those stuff and it's gotta to be me.

housewife-ing is overtime forever, underpay, overcommitment, and under-appreciate things to do. and some people called it easy? yeah, they must be martha stewart on steroid. or weeds.

this couple of days (okay, let's face it. everyday), my head constantly nagging me about everything. about my to do list (we're talking laundry here). about why am i less than happy here. about my brand new shoes that i wore only to my daughter's school which is only 10 meters away from my house. if i want to ignoring decency, i could probably walk there in my pajama (without a bath. and smell like cheese. like lots of bule does). i mean, here i am, in the middle of the old culture called europe that i was dying to see (well, groningen is a little to the north, and west), and in the middle of the day somehow i daydreaming hearing a passerby screaming,'Cireng, cireng!'. Dang!

not to mention that i smell like gucci rush with noodle as top note. hah?

but the thing that bother me so much is the feel that here, i am useless. that here i am just a laundry woman plus dishwasher plus nanny. i can't read without my son giving me his 'Hop on Pop' to read. Well, Dr Seuss is funny, but after hundred times, oh, come on? i can't do things in front of my computer without my son 'help' me by clicking the off button. and as a solitaire person, suddenly i just feel so exhausted. I mean, not that i don't love him. Of course. But i need my space. This woman needs her space. Her own. Where it's only her inside.

There's no such thing. My life is 24 hours surrounded by others. Oh, how it seems so selfish to ask for just a tiny hour where i can breath.

and i need someone to talk to. not that i am going to talk to someone. my bad experience of having so called confidante and then the confidante tell everything that you said to other people so practically the entire world knew (yeah, and i know the secret of the entire world through her mouth, too. is that supposed to be a symbiotic thing? Nahh..not to me, i don't want to know other people's secret) made me spill my brain to myself only. but the idea of having someone to talk too is soooo soothing. i mean, just the idea, why can't i have it?

okay. i think i need to eat more chocolate. i sounds like a desperate old woman. well, i use old woman shampoo. anyway, a mantra from the Prodigy the wise.

inhale, exhale, breathe the pressure
nope. no Pilates too. My son won't allowed it
.

(waiting for) spring

2010-02-22T10:09:00.001+01:00

picture: Spring by Monet

salju masih menyisakan adanya pada es yang perlahan meleleh di bawah matahari. rumput mulai menghijau kembali. kuncup bunga mulai menyembul dari pohon yang terlihat kerontang selama musim dingin.

seperti sebuah hidup baru yang akan dimulai. seperti sebuah kesempatan baru. dan akupun menunggu musim semi datang dengan mengingat wing kardjo pada puisinya.

kemana akan pergi mencari matahari
ketika salju turun pohon kehilangan daun
kemana akan jalan mencari lindungan
ketika tubuh kuyup dan pintupun tertutup

kemana akan lari mencari arti
ketika bara hati padam tak berarti
kemana akan pergi selain mencuci diri
ketika salju turun pohon kehilangan daun

-wing kardjo, salju, dinyanyikan dengan indah oleh bimbo-

mt dan perspektif bias gender terhadap perempuan

2010-02-22T08:47:00.002+01:00

menarik melihat diskursus tentang heboh twit mario teguh yang bilang kurang lebih begini,'perempuan pemabok, suka dugem, tukang merokok dan snob tidak layak dijadikan istri'. di twitter yang jadi lanskap surga kebebasan berpendapat di indonesia, mt langsung habis. mungkin ada yang tersinggung. mungkin ada yang berpikir dia stereotyping. dan seperti biasa, banyak komentar pedas. tapi anehnya, mt tidak membalas komentar pedas ini dengan komentar juga (yang ujung-ujungnya mengajak diskusi) tapi malah nge-block orang yang ngomong pedas. dalam hal ini, tifatul yang juga sering jadi sasaran komentar pedas, terlihat lebih elegan dan mau berdiskusi (dan mendengarkan). kemudian ketika komentar pedas makin banyak dan dia tidak punya waktu buat nge-block, untuk mengurangi kerusakan image dia berkilah kalau itu yang menulis moderator, bukan dirinya sendiri. tidak lama kemudian, twitter-nya diprotect, kemudian dihapus.

aneh. sebagai orang yang menjual image dan kata-kata sebagai bagian dari dagangannya, mt harusnya tahu betul bahwa dia harus mengontrol semua output dari semua jenis media yang dia kelola. berkilah bahwa itu ulah moderator membuat saya berpikir bahwa pak mt kok menyalahkan orang lain, dan dia tidaklah sesuper itu, yang ya ga apa-apa juga kan? dia kan manusia, bukan Tuhan atau superman. kalau memang dia berpendapat seperti itu, ya kenapa tidak dibela saja pendapatnya? kenapa harus menyalahkan orang lain dan ujung-ujungnya mutung?

saya-harus diakui-termasuk tipikal orang yang skeptis dengan motivator dan sejenisnya. dulu saya pernah baca satu tulisan bagus di newsweek (yang saya baca di lounge di bandara) yang mengatakan bahwa kenapa kita selalu harus 'positif' dan selalu punya perspektif semuanya bisa, padahal kenyataannya tidak semua bisa kita lakukan. perspektif tersebut membuat kita punya megalomania kompleks dan merasa super melebihi apapun. perspektif tersebut disatu sisi bagus, akan tetapi disisi lain bisa destruktif ketika kita terbentur tembok. kecerdasan adalah kemampuan kita untuk mengenali hal mana yang bisa kita ubah dan hal mana yang harus kita terima apa adanya. bahkan superman harus menyerah pada kryptonite. iya, henin-hardenne bilang impossible is nothing. tapi dia bicara dalam ranah olahraga (dan dia tidak mencoba untuk main golf dan bilang hal yang sama). mungkin kesannya, perspektif 'menerima' ini membuat kita jadi pasrah dan tidak super, walaupun menurut saya, perspektif ini membuat kita menjadi lebih bijak.

saya lebih suka membaca tulisannya gede prama di kompas hari minggu biasanya. dulu, saya suka anthony de mello. mungkin karena saya bukan ambisius. mungkin karena menurut saya, di hadapan Tuhan, kita ini bukan apa-apa. semua yang kita miliki bisa tercerabut kapan saja. kemampuan kita untuk melenting balik dan menyadari bahwa yah, ranah kita ada batasnya dan setelah kita berusaha, itu sudah bukan urusan kita lagi (dalam islam, saya suka sekali dengan konsep istiqamah). tidak perlulah menjadi manusia super.

tapi bukan maksud hati saya menyerang pak mt. saya hanya berbeda pendapat dengan beliau.

sebenarnya, yang ingin saya bahas adalah komentar beliau di twit itu yang ditujukan pada perempuan. saya tidak merokok, (sudah) tidak suka dugem, tidak pernah mabuk dan mudah-mudahan tidak snob, tapi saya ikut tersinggung dengan twit tersebut. ketika di detik.com banyak orang yang sependapat dengan beliau, semuanya berkomentar bahwa itu benar adanya. perempuan yang soleh (yaitu yang tidak merokok, tidak dugem dan tidak mabuk) adalah materi yang baik untuk menjadi istri. ada beberapa yang mencoba untuk adil bahwa konsep yang sama berlaku untuk suami (laki-laki) juga. tapi sebagian besar berkomentar bahwa yah begitulah, kalau tidak ada laki-laki yang mau sama kamu, coba lihat kelakuan kamu, mungkin kamu suka merokok, snob dan suka dugem.

sebuah perspektif yang khas patriarkal tentang perempuan dan menempatkan sebagai sebuah barang dengan nilai tertentu yang bisa ditebus. seperti kata erich fromm, perspektif dagang di dalam cinta (di dalam bukunya the art of loving). sekali lagi, bukan berarti saya ikut menyetujui rokok, dugem, dan snob ya. saya tidak suka rokok, baik pada laki-laki ataupun perempuan. saya khawatir dengan dagangan perusahaan rokok yang menyasar anak kecil dan bikin 'smoking is cool'. saya rasa dugem (setelah saya mencobanya) tidak punya banyak manfaat buat saya. dan snob jadi masalah untuk konsumerisme di indonesia. tapi saya tidak berani menilai orang lain. siapa saya? mungkin karena pak mt super, dia berani, hehe...tapi lagi-lagi, saya menyoroti bahwa yang disoroti pak mt di twit-nya itu adalah perempuan. seolah-olah kontribusi keluarga sakinah untuk moralitas yang baik berasal dari perempuan (dan laki-laki sah saja membakar uangnya untuk rokok). di banyak keluarga miskin yang saya lihat, bahkan si suami tidak mau melepaskan kebiasaannya merokok, padahal rokok itu harganya bisa membeli telur yang bergizi untuk anaknya. dan istrinya? tentu saja tidak merokok, dan siang hari bekerja di pabrik, sore dan malam hari harus mengurus keluarganya sementara suaminya pengangguran dan sibuk main gaple di poskamling. speechless? iya...lalu kenapa tidak pernah dikampanyekan laki-laki jangan merokok, mending beli telur buat anak?

saya juga punya beberapa teman perempuan yang merokok. juga suka dugem. kadang-kadang mabuk. dan mereka baik sebagai teman. suka menolong. tidak korupsi. ketika akhirnya menikah dan punya anak, dengan sendirinya semua kebiasaan itu dihentikan, walaupun saya tahu teman saya itu sakaw rokok. apa itu bukan sebuah perjuangan? apa orang seperti itu tidak punya karakter? sekali lagi, saya rasa kita terjebak stereotyping. tidaklah ada hak untuk menilai orang lain. tidaklah ada hak untuk menentukan mana yang pantas mana yang tidak untuk sebuah relasi personal yang privat (komentar tentang layak tidaknya dijadikan istri). kalau ada yang mabuk di depan umum dan mengganggu orang lain, bolehlah ditegur.

dan, sekali lagi, mengapa selalu perempuan yang dituntut? mana laki-laki? apa laki-laki bisa seenaknya? (tentu saja tidak, tapi tuntutan untuk laki-laki jarang sekali mengemuka). apa laki-laki pengangguran yang suka merokok bisa dikategorikan dan dicap saja tidak layak jadi suami? menurut saya, perspektif yang bias gender terhadap perempuan ini membuat posisi perempuan di dalam rumahtangga akhirnya menjadi lebih berat. bukan cuma mencari uang, tapi juga mengurus suami, anak, dan rumah tangga, dan laki-laki seringkali merasa cukup dengan bekerja, kemudian hanya memikirkan dirinya sendiri, harga dirinya sendiri. perspektif keluarga kadang tidak muncul (tapi tentu saja ini juga stereotype. saya menemukan banyak lelaki baik yang mau berbagi peran dengan istri, penyayang, tidak merokok apalagi dugem, dan ketika berpikir, selalu dalam kerangka keluarga).

saya menemukan banyak perempuan hebat dengan semangat survival yang gila. dan akhir-akhir ini, saya juga berpikir tentang mbak aniek, anak plano yang membunuh tiga orang anaknya yang sempat heboh itu. terus terang, dia membuat saya menitikkan airmata. apa yang dialaminya sehingga dia bisa melakukan hal itu? terlalu sering, terlalu sering, keberadaan perempuan dan perannya dianggap next to nothing, dan saya rasa kita harus belajar untuk lebih berempati. menempatkan semuanya pada perspektif yang tidak bias (gender).

apakah saya sudah mirip dengan para feminis? haha...

pic: gabriel metsu, a woman smoking

menemani suami (tugas) belajar

2010-02-21T18:50:00.002+01:00

menemani suami (tugas) belajar. begitulah keterangan yang diterakan pada kolom tujuan ketika saya mengisi formulir lapor diri di KBRI. dan saya tertegun.

deskripsi paling absurd yang pernah saya dengar. seperti keberadaan saya dinihilkan dan cuma jadi pelengkap. seakan semua kesulitan beradaptasi di dunia baru ini (hanya) untuk menemani suami tugas belajar. apa memang hanya itu alasannya saya ada di tempat ini?

dan seperti biasa, sayapun bertanya tentang eksistensi. apakah saya sekarang mengadopsi pelesetan rene descartes, i accompany, therefore i am? saya memang sudah menikah. sudah punya anak. tapi bukan berarti saya berhenti menjadi diri saya sendiri? bukan berarti keberadaan saya melulu hanya untuk orang lain kan?

pic: seated couple by egon schiele

racist (are we?)

2010-02-19T18:53:00.002+01:00

i just read a woman's story about harassment that she experienced related with her hijab. yes, she's a muslim woman. she said, sometimes it's just a stare. or people ignoring (or won't give you service) in public places. there's time of direct insult. it's horrible.

i have to say, living here -this so called free minded european country- for a month and a half as a muslim and wear the hijab- i never noticed that. yes lots of people stared at me, i noticed that, but i would assumed that it's because i am just simply fabulous (hahaha, but i guess since now i know that there's a chance people staring at you because of your hijab, i might think twice about my fabulousness now (sigh)). once a chinese woman snapped at me in the oriental store, but i assumed it because i am a dork and i asked her to do things that she's not supposed to do. a woman won't look me in the eyes when i smile at her yesterday at my daughter's school but then she look closely at my stella's boots (and i walked out all smile and win!). i have to say that i never really noticed that racism exist in this place (but then again, i just got here a month and a half). maybe because this is a student's city where the people should be more open minded (or not?), and people said things get a lot of worse in not so cosmopolitan of a town in another part of europe.

which bring me to why.

i just read this fabulous book that my husband generously lend from his university's library by joan wallach scott (an ivy league professor) with the title 'politics of the veil'. in the not so thick of a book about veil and the french government, scott asked about why the government of france (and their people who support the decision, respectively) are so upset with a piece of clothing that covered a woman's head? and why they (the france government) want to removed the item from the french muslim's (women) head?

and scott's answer is racism. that the european people (oh, well, french in her book) is just as racist to the muslims as the american to their afro-american as the german to the jews. the racism rooted deeply in the history of colonization. the racism is the subtext and the secularism is the justification. secularism means leave the private (religion on this context) at home. the problem comes when some concept of Islam doesn't recognized the same segregation. the private (the religion) is the part of who they are, as well as the veil (it is actually the headscarf because we don't cover our face) to some women.

beside racism and secularism, scott argues that the veil to the european's eyes is the sign of woman's subordination, and therefore every woman who wear it, is a repressed woman and should be liberated. women should embrace their individuality and removed their veil. again, on this context, the veil or the headscarf assumed as a repression tools by others (parents, brother, imams), this assumption disregard the fact that in some countries like Indonesia (and some people like me) hijab never been forced on woman (oh, well, except Aceh and i think that's not right) and everyone who wear it, wear it on their personal reason (and some removed it afterward on some revelation which is also fine by me). some mistaken emancipation with westernization.

last but not least, the veil to the french eyes is the sign of different sexuality standard between the european (yeah, the french) and the moslem. the moslem, said scott, recognized the dangerous sexuality of men and women (please notes that the Koran also ask men to be modest in their sexuality. MEN TOO). this is what scott called psychology of recognition. while on the other side, the european are celebrating their sexuality as a part of freedom and the moslem's refusal to engaged in it is not considered 'normal'. the european pretend that the sexual problem between woman and man never existed (the psychology of denial). both system are patriarchal. and in both system, the covering system of Islam and the open system of the europen, put woman as the object (of sexuality). and please, the (sexual) abuse of woman is not happened in Islamic countries only. it happened everywhere, regardless of religion.

for me, as a person, the freedom lays in the freedom to choose whatever religion (or not) that i want to conduct (i am reading richard dawkins too), whatever clothes that i want to wear, whatever clothes that makes me comfortable. some people might feel comfortable on hijab, some people love to embrace their sexuality, and it's all fine (well, at least for me).

living here, being a minority in race and religion, makes me think about what we, the indonesian, have done in our own country. how it feel to be minority, to be different in indonesia. are we (the muslim majority) a racist too? and my thought goes to my friend who have different belief, who have different race. imagine myself being them. and it's just sad. yes, we still have a lot to learn too. we burned churches (shame on you!), we condemned people who have different belief as 'hell material', we chased people on the false pretext of fatwa, we become 'holier than thou' kind of people.

while, the best dakwah that i can think of, as one of my friend put is so beautifully (she used to wear hijab because her mom forced her too but then she picked up the courage to take it off), if you really are religious, and your religion is the best one, be the candle that lights the way. be the most beautiful thing. be useful to other. because islam teach to you that way. that way, other people would believe that you mean what you said and perhaps islam is not a traditional conservative stubborn religion afterall. insult other people who are not like you just won't do, because remember, someday you might be on their shoes. because i believe, God is poetic. If God creates us differently, who are we to condemned it?

scott said in her book, you don't have to be the same to integrate. just find something in common. something to negotiate. not toleration, but being in common. being in common

wallahualam.

no need to argue

2010-02-14T12:40:00.004+01:00

picture: Van Gogh's Shoes Painting

one of the loveliest song of the cranberries. beautiful. the link to youtube is in here.

There's no need to argue anymore
I gave all I could
But it left me so sore
And the thing that makes me mad
Is the one thing that I had

I knew, I knew, I'd lose you
You'll always be special to me

And I remember all the
Things we once shared
Watching tv movies on
The living room armchair

But they say it will work out fine
Was it all a waste of time
Cause I knew, I knew, I'd lose you

You'll always be special to me

Will I forget in time
You said I was on your mind
There's no need to argue
No need to argue anymore
There's no need to argue anymore

she is

2010-02-13T10:30:00.001+01:00

she is my best friend. she's the kind of 'just right' friend. the kind of friend who know when she is needed, when to leave me alone. who never preach, but always tell the truth. trustworthy. never would she open her mouth for the things that i tell her-not even for the false pretense 'so other people can learn'.

she is just right.

and i miss her very much.

trial

2010-02-07T21:59:00.000+01:00

please bear with me all the big trial word written all over this blog. am trying this new skin, easy and nice looking but they only have trial version for mac, haven't released the official version yet.

so, so far...yeah, bear with me

colors (of my life)

2010-02-06T23:01:00.001+01:00

it seems that i bring lots of color into my husband's world (literally). the little house that we lived in, the one that colors blue and brown when i first arrived, now it's red, green, polkadot, and orange. i don't even know that my decoration taste would be that 'dangdut'. i mean, our house in cimahi have boring beige and pastel colors as the main theme, but now, here, i play with colors.

maybe it have something to do with this gloomy winter, where the theme is almost all black. and i am bored. officially.

i blamed ikea for my 'dangdut' taste. i carefully pick things from ikea with price below 3 euro for decoration, and i come up with all these colors. all the majestic colors is very expensive.

hmm. but it's quite ok. i mean, i like it. it's colorful.

who am i (cause i am easy like a sunday morning)

2010-02-04T21:28:00.000+01:00

lately i find it hard to write. i mean, write as ME. i just realized it that lately i've been trying to be someone else (in writing). trying to write something hilarious and funny, while i am neither. trying to be wise, while i am not paulo coelho. maybe i am over conscious.

and over conscious makes me nervous. as always.

not only in writing. i think i have the same problem in me as a person too. trying to hard to become what i am not. pretend that i have a straight hair while actually my hair would be forever curly. and i would never be skinny. i was born with big bones, and i would carry that to the grave. and i would never be a witty and funny person. and the list would go on and on and on.

i don't know. i just felt that i am just too old to pretend to be somebody that i am not. i just need to relax and be myself. though, posing the question to myself, who am i, i know the answer would never be easy. who am i?

because i picked men based on the shape of their nose (kidding!)

2010-02-02T16:15:00.001+01:00

this is going to be a bit personal. hmmm. i am trying not too personal since i want to avoid the stereotyping, that on the net, women speak about emotion and personal feeling MORE than men (well, it's understand-able. we women do have more feeling and emotion :D).

in between my cooking, trying helplessly to avoid my son to get into dangerous thing in his exploration period (till he made a song from my 'No, No, Azzam!), suddenly i falled into this kind of epileptic realization about me, my life and especially, my relationship with my husband.

see, i know my husband more than 10 years now. during those period of time, the relationship between us going through up and down from 'i love you very much' period, 'i am bored' period until 'i hate you i don't want to see your face ever again' period (well, this come from my point of view because i am not sure about him. maybe for him it's all i love you period, haha). like in any other relationship with any kind of people, it's not constant. that's why i don't believe cinderella's jargon of 'happily ever after'.

and somehow, here we are, end up together. and marriage, like those wise people said, is the beginning of the journey of knowing each other. i am going to use the word 'being in common', not toleration since Wendy Brown said, toleration implies distaste or aversion of those who are tolerated, and of course, i am not feeling any distaste toward my husband. ok, only occasionally. on my period time.well, it's period time, so i can't be blamed since around that time i would walk half conscious.

we share so many things in common sometimes i think he can pull or think something exactly like the way i think. but on the other end, we are so different it's impossible to ignore. but the problem for me, is the past. my past, his past. suddenly today the realization comes to me, that somehow i always look back in anger. so i fear. i hate. i leave no room for forgive. or love.

he changed. in the course of 10 years and more i know him, he changed. still, i remember him as the boy i knew. it doesn't mattered to me that it's him who never give up on me, and i give up on him for too many times. it doesn't mattered to me that he's always there, for me, without me ever realized or ever grateful for that.

sometimes i think that he's too cool to care, but thinking about it now, i think it's me who doesn't care. i am too self-centered. i don't even know his favorite food except the fact that he like everything that i make. i never try to be grateful for who he is, instead i keep blaming him for things that he would never become.

i realized it, that it's me, like in elvis presley song, who doesn't show her feeling as often as she should have. but he stays on. i hurt him so many times, but he stays on. for us. the four of us.

today is far from his birthday, but this feeling just downed on me. and this is what i want to tell him. i am sorry. really. and thank you.

and i love you.

photography lesson

2010-01-31T01:06:00.001+01:00

in between my insomnia, i found this hillarious web of photography lesson that finally hits me (well, she's a mom like me, so we don't talk klingon like the photographer does). after two books of photography lesson and bunch of photographer friends, finally i understand what aperture is (and it just doesn't make sense to me that you have to had smaller number for a bigger opening of aperture. it's not logic at all, indeed (we're women with logic, err, especially on our period time)).

anyway, it's fun reading it (and makes sense. or am i just getting lazy and my brain won't kick?). it makes me want to have a SLR. hiks. a Pentax maybe (missing my Pentax mode on. I don't care what canon or nikon said. i love pentax)

sincerity

2010-01-30T23:39:00.000+01:00

i was feeling exhausted today. then i decided to walk home through the snow, through the beautiful park that lays near the place i called home these days.

suddenly i feel even worse. maybe it's the pms. maybe it's the cold snow. maybe it's the windy afternoon. it just got me.

but, sprung out of nowhere, there are these people greets me. hai, hello, hai, hello. and all smile. all smile and smile and smile. like hushing the bad mood away from me.

and i saw an old couple kissed under the afternoon sun. i cried. how lovely.

suddenly, i remember all those people with their sincerity, who always give me strength. people that sometimes you don't realized they're existed, but in time of need, they're there. with a shoulder to cry on. with an ear (or two) to listen.

people with a sincere smile that always makes my day. sincerity. it's free. but maybe not effortless

on fashion (again)

2010-01-29T17:18:00.003+01:00

just read this bit on the guardian UK. An angry journalist lashes her anger to fashion in an angry tones. Well, she have some point. Like, the fashion industry has become very unreasonable, all the size 0 sample size and the incredulous high price and some people worshipped fashion like it's their god. But i think she missed some point too. Style i think must be differentiate from fashion (industry). And i don't know. From her writing tone i sensed that she asked eveybody to let their self go (as she did). I mean, what's wrong with looking good? and i don't think looking good have anything to do with expensive clothes, new clothes, or what size you are ( i personally knows some people who's looking good on their not so ideal body). Just don't swallowed everything the media offered you without thinking. And talking about consumerism, it's not solely fashion (industry)'s crime alone. Everything around us lured us to buy. That's why i love when my friend talking about frugal lifestyle (and God knows how hard it is with all the advertising around us).

what's amazed me about the industry (not just fashion. fashion is just the tip of the iceberg on these things) that they just don't build things to last anymore (remind me of a scene out of Kinky Boots movie. A good one). Everything build with assumption that it would be broken in the next six month so we have to buy (again). Everything become fashion, and so it's seasonal and perishable. I mean, the industry told us to change our mobile once in every six month by their new offering of something faster and trendier. The advertising makes us feel bad when we have last year mobile phone, and gee, no available support or sparepart anymore (Conspiracy!!!). The same thing goes to car, computer, shoes, and of course, fashion. Have you ever think what would happened to those old things that's actually still working well? (The Indonesian should thank the Madura for their secondhand-ing thing ability. It saved the environment a lot). I mean, yeah, where the Nokia dump all of their old phone? And do you know that H&M and Walmart actually choose to cut their last season's clothes rather than give it away to the needy? How many trash do we have to make in order to makes us feel good? Do you think it's fashion (industry)'s crime alone?

The question might as well goes to why do we have to acquired so many? Why can't we feel enough with the basic stuff? Why can't we feel enough with white shirt, we need to have blue, yellow, and if it possible, all shirt in their pantone color. But then the debate would be to philosophical and socrates-ical, so i will avoid it.

What i think is, we need to have the mind of the sufis. Everything is in moderation (yep, i have too many shoes). Happiness isn't lay in the things that you have (maybe in shoes? no? well...), but in how much you can give. And yeah, be yourself (if you know who you are).

it's not easy for me, too. it's a constant battle. i think we should be smarter. well, lots smarter

on fashion

2010-01-29T00:30:00.004+01:00

-agathe from her blog stylebytes.net-

-fashion fades. style is eternal- yves saint laurent

i always love fashion. i read fashion magazine(s). and yes i could watch sex and the city and confession of shopaholic over and over again just to have fun and watch the clothes they wear. i don't want to dig deeper into definition but i think i agree with YSL. fashion is about style. personal style. and/or looking good. it is not about mitchy matchy, it's about colour coordination (think about missoni or patricia field in confession of shopaholic). it is not about 10 mio bag or shoes.

in indonesia, when you go to public places, (example: the mall, where else), especially in jakarta, somehow you will find out the latest trend by observing the crowds. if it is skinny jeans, everyone will wear it. if it is cropped jacket, all fashionista will have it. it was like, everyone is wearing the same (kind) of clothes at the same time, it's almost like a uniform and boring. i mean, yeah, there this a thing called trend, but do (all) of you have to wear it at the same time?

and somehow, when you talked about fashion, why you always end up talking about expensive stuff? i mean, all the ladies are just crazy about LV, i mean, what is it? would you buy a bag with the price tag of a decent house? people who can't afford the original LV (or the house) switch into KW1 LV or KW2 LV, and drive all the mangga dua stores busy. Everyone's proudly bring it all to the mall, so the uniform scene happened all over again (i can't differentiate original LV and those KW-KW bags, but i don't care. If i can't buy the original one, i won't pretend that i can by buying the fake one. I mean, who want to buy a fake LV with 1 mio price tag and find misspell in the box because the maker in Korea can't speak a decent English? Well, umm, people did :D). What's wrong with people and brand? I mean, you are not ALL about expensive brand that you carried, rite? i recently visit this so called parenting blog from indonesia, and inside you could find all the moms bragging about their (babies) expensive stuff. Miu-Miu as diaper bag (my first reaction is, should ask about the originality). McLaren stroller (yups, that's expensive). It's sickening it makes me stop looking about the actual parenting tips there.

anyway. then i find this blog (stylebytes.net) from Norway about a girl being fashionable in a budget and oh she is so refreshing. i mean, she's looking good with secondhand stuff (and yes she buys fake bags too and laugh it out loud). that's where i think personality takes account. i mean, why can't we settle within our means and set out from that? you CAN still looking good and fashionable without spending debt on your card.

then i find another blog, this smart young cheap tavi girl from US (you can read her blog in my link). she confessed that she's so cheap she buys only from salvation army. but you know what? the fashion world recognized her. she's become the fashion's muse of rodarte, become the cover of a magazine. i mean, though some accused her style as 'ugly' (i called it quirky, but she's damn smart and she knows about fashion. and style, of course. i mean, why can't we find people like her and agathe more in our street so young girl doesn't get obsessed about brand too early as the only recipe to makes them look good (and acceptable by society).

anyway, what do i actually wanted to say? hmm, i think too many people mistaken fashion with expensive stuff, and trend, or mitchy matchy things. please, don't judge yourself from the brand that you wear. and please don't be that crazy miss mitchy matchy ( i know a person that sooooo mitchy matchy she wears pink from head to toe including her glasses! jaw drop). as in life, the old saying applies in fashion too, be yourself.

hmmm

today

2010-01-27T15:11:00.001+01:00

today's weather is chilly like it was for the couple of days. but it doesn't stop us from going outside this time. i've decided to go to the nearest shopping mall (oh, the shopping mall here is so small and therefore, it's explorable by a toddler. unlike Indonesian's huge shopping mall). anyway, i went to the mall to buy some basic things for bianglala, but like always i ended up buying many other things (pardon, husband!). but i didn't buy flower today, though i want it.

azzam had a good time. after two days stranded in the house, he exploring the mall greedily. playing with other kids in the playground inside the mall (no coin needed). then we hurried home since i have to pick up bianglala from school.

and i feel good. maybe, like husband said, i need to go out too. hmm...maybe it's got something to do with shopping ( i shop, therefore i am, haha, sorry rene :p). i don't know.

today i decided to cook some fussili and chicken cordon bleu (without the bread crumb, should i use the bread instead?).

and yeah, my husband lend me 'politics of the veil' book. it's so nice when you can read good book and you don't even have to pay for it. hurray!

and yes, today i would close my computer and read my friedman's book.

channeling arnold, hasta la vista (baby)! off for now

bicycle

2010-01-21T10:56:00.002+01:00

the first thing caught my eyes about the netherland is that this country is full with bike. the joke said, people can do anything on their bike here. they can phone, change their shoes, reading books, even taking a nap on their bike. they can also bring anything with their bike. i've seen people bringing bike with their bike. bringing two kids. bringing groceries. my husband even bring our bed (yes, 160 cm x 200 cm bed) with his bike which i found crazy, almost impossible if the living proof of action (the bed itself) not sitting nicely on our bedroom.

i understand why one of my friend found his love for the bike here, in the netherland. in here, the government made biking easy. the bicycle path. easy and accessible park for bike. not to mention the cheapness of using a bike. here, all other transportation mode are very expensive. bus, taxi, and car would cost you a fortune so people choose bike (the fact that the land is so flat also helps, i guess. imagine biking in bandung). and people's attitude is very nice. car stops when your bike across their road. nobody honk on you because you're slower than their car (but other bike would if you're getting on their way :D). even buses waited queitly behind you (it's funny picture. i should take it sometimes). it's the heaven for bike.

-a man carrying his two kids in a bike, no car necessary-

and riding a bicycle is not a reason for not being chic. in here woman wearing their high heel riding bikes, using their full make up and nice clothes like in the picture above.

nicely, some crazy company invents some handy tools to helps people carry almost anything with their bike. in here there's a fietsbak to carry almost anything including your kids, fietscar (this one is the official kid's carrier), and i just found out that you can carry your baby stroller with your bike using the fietsdrager.

-a barista bringing his coffee machine with fietsbak-

-a small fietskar for kids, we have the combo (for two kids) one-

- a fietsdrager for your baby buggy-

thinking about the bike here, about the pollution that the car made, don't you think bike is a reasonable option comparing to motorcycle and car? even in bandung, it's possible (and you don't need a gym because bike would get the sweat out of you). and if the worker of the car factory needed to be saved from loss of job, they can always make a bicycle, or two, or hundreds of it. the parking lots won't be that big. but i guess, there's no much money in it for those people. the policy maker.

talking about policy. hmmm...

home

2010-01-20T19:04:00.001+01:00

dulu pernah baca (lupa dimana), katanya, rumah seseorang itu selalu ditakdirkan dekat dengan bentang alam yang spesifik. sejenis fengshui gitulah. ada yang selalu punya rumah dekat sungai, dekat tebing, dekat lembah dll. saya, setelah saya pikir-pikir, bertetangga dengan sungai. dulu, rumah ibu saya cuma 200 m saja dari sungai (yang sekarang sudah kering). kemudian rumah saya sendiri di cimahi juga dekat dengan sungai (yang saya ga tau mengalir kemana lagi dari daerah rumah saya). rumah kontrakan saya dulu di bali, ternyata dekat sungai. di surabaya dekat kali tenggilis, di jakarta di depan kali malang. sekarang, di gronie juga dekat sungai.

dan jalan kereta api. sama sekolahan. rumah saya di cimahi juga bersebelahan dengan sekolah. cuma dulu bianglala tidak mau sekolah disitu.

rumah. dekat bentang alam yang seperti apa sebenarnya tidaklah terlalu penting. tidak juga benda-benda yang mengisinya. kata seorang bijak, home is where the heart is. and your heart always with your loves one. jadi, kalau terobsesi untuk mengisi rumah dengan desain interior yang plek ala ikea bisa jadi bentuk stres ala urban seperti tokoh yang diperankan edward norton di fight club (saya lupa namanya, atau dia ga punya nama? karena saya ingat taylor durden, alter ego-nya yang diperankan oleh brad pitt. tapi oh, bukunya jauh-jauh lebih brilian dari filmnya. chuck palahniuk memang gila). rumah yang penting diisi oleh tawa, senyuman, dan bolehlah bunga yang sedap dipandang mata, lukisan, dan cushion ikea yang murah-meriah (haha).

adjustment

2010-01-10T07:52:00.000+01:00

Adjustment is always hard. Like us trying to cope with the winterland here. My kids never experience below zero degree. In our hometown, the lowest you can get is around 18 degree celcius. And it's already freezing. But i have to say, my kids is being very brave. Very brave.

And me. It's hard to adjust. Like they always said, the privileged of being an Indonesian is that you get so many help. Extended family. Cheap helper. Yeah, we yell at them and we pay them poorly (hey, i didn't do that). Now here, everything is expensive, and i have to do it by myself.

Not that i complained. I kind of love it. I mean, i love to be able to wash similar color with similar color, something that my helper never did, or always wash my drinking cup first before the plate, something that never been bothered by my helper too. But from one laundry to another, from one dishes to another, not to mention the urgency of cook or die, it leaves me no room for me to sit down, writing nonsense in this blog, or reading some of the books that i brought from Indonesia (times, that i think i would have lots here, it seems always running out). And i digress.

Maybe it's a huge adjustment for me. Maybe i just need to sort things out. Maybe i just need to settle with dishes, laundry, and cooking and leave everything else behind temporarily. I don't know. Time will tell. Like my cranky skin, only time will tell when it will healed.

Howgh. As Winnetou did.

bubin

2010-01-04T02:45:00.002+01:00

doh, susah pisan masuk ke multiply sekarang? Btw, mana tombol sign in? Emang ga mau pemilik account-nya masuk ke dalam rumahnya ndiri ya? Doh, mentang-mentang bukan account premium (ngamuk-ngamuk sendiri.com)

saya waktu itu di fb di buzz ama silvia tentang bubin di RuG. Harus saya akui, saya sudah lupa. Ingatan saya sekarang pendek dan terbatas. Seperti nenek-nenek. Payah. Banget. Tapi kemudian, tentu saja, secara bubin adalah salah satu pahlawan saya masa kecil, saya pun kemudian browsing (itu adalah satu-satunya media yang bisa saya akses karena saya ga bisa loncat ke gramedia sekarang dan beli buku Langit Merah. And yes i miss sun. and my car. and the accessibility and 24 hours busy bee of my country. damn). Menemukan esai fotonya dia yang bagus tentang Gronie (baru tau ada Chinatown pun di Gronie, yeah, saya belum kemana-mana seminggu ini, hibernasi saja di ruangan). Terus menemukan tulisan Silvia (lagi) tentang Langit Merah. Tiba-tiba saya meleleh. Diam. Menangis. Menangisi kemalangan Langit yang pangkat dua, terlahir cina dan miskin. Menangisi keheroikannya yang jarang untuk Indonesia yang indah tapi payah. Malu pada diri sendiri.

Dulu, kalau saya berharap punya sepatu untuk menggantikan sepatu saya yang buluk, berharap sebuah Nike 900 rebu yang dipunyai seorang teman, saya akan mengambil buku serial 'Anak-Anak Mama Alin' dan membaca ocehan Ra tentang sepatu buluknya, dan saya terhibur. 'Ra juga pake sepatu buluk. Dulu saya menangis ketika Kori mengumpankan dirinya ke kereta api. Dulu, saya tidak pernah menyangka kalau Bubin ternyata seumuran saja (yah, tuaan dikitlah gpp). Dulu, saya ga nyangka kalau dia bener cina.

Saya tidak tahu. Ini ocehan sembarangan di jam tiga pagi waktu Gronie. Saya kangen. Entah pada apa. Mungkin pada diri sendiri. Atau pada sebuah keteguhan. Seperti bubin. Yang memilih pergi daripada menyerah pada sistem. Daripada tutup mata. Ya, saya rindu keteguhan hati.

-dan anda menginspirasi banyak orang. teruslah menjadi teguh-

sebelum

2010-01-04T01:53:00.002+01:00

saya harus menulis lagi. saya rasa saya mulai gila. winter yang panjang dan membuatku tidak kemana-mana kecuali di ruangan serba terbatas ini membuatku merindukan kehangatan musim panas, pantai yang indah, dan cilok yang hangat (hahaha...).

dan runitinitas. beuh, rutinitas. kenapa saya tidak pernah terbiasa dan suka dengan rutinitas?

harus tesis

2009-12-10T11:12:00.002+01:00

i don't know why but i don't feel confident enough to do this. the theses. maybe because of the crappy timing. i would have to go to the netherland on the 28th of dec. and i haven't finished it.

hmmm....my usual mental notes is, you can do it, but somehow, today, i feel exhausted. so i just stared at the computer windows (it shown the beautiful monet painting). reading other people's twit. reading fb. but react less. and do no theses.

i think i might need a sleep. maybe a brain overhaul. oh, but i love this battered and bruised brain. this sometimes wicked and crazy brain. don't want a change, thank you very much God.

hmm...miss @itaufik. soon he will come home.

i want to be a writer

2009-11-11T15:12:00.002+01:00

The story about how haruki murakami starting his career as a writer was told too many times it almost sounds like a myth. It was said that he got home one day after watching baseball games and out of the blue he got this idea that 'I can be a writer!' like an epiphany and just like that, he turned himself into a writer.

What was not told too often is the process of how he turned himself from a writer wannabe on an afternoon after baseball games (i never knew that baseball games could be so inspiring :D) into Haruki Murakami the writer who after the release of the somber and sad Norwegian Wood become like a cult. He told in his running diary how he fear the unstable side of become a full time writer for his income. He told about how he have to changed his habit in order to get a suitable biological clock for writing.

Well, if there is one thing that you can tell about Haruki Murakami, it's that he's persistent. Full with preparation. And that's what you exactly need if you want to be a writer.

Today i went to a writing class. The mentor is a well known newspaper editor. He told me exactly that. That writing is an art that needed to be practiced in daily basis. He said that Ernest Hemingway do that. He wrote down 500 words everyday. On any subject. That the mantra if you want to become a writer is practice, practice, and practice.

So, if you want to be a writer, be persistent like murakami. And practice.

On relationship

2009-11-10T20:14:00.002+01:00

I just read this article on the fashion magazine that i read (yeah, sometimes the nicest article comes from the most shallow places, or so we think) about relationship. It was asking about what is the most important thing in a relationship?

I'd say the first thing is trust. Nothing goes far without trust. Without trust, relationship would almost unbearable (cues: think of tereza in unbearable lightness of being).

Then respect for each other. I mean, respect is another basic. Trust always come with respect. With respect, you would be sensitive and caring. You would go the extra mile to make it work. With respect, you would be considerate.

Then it goes hundred of other things...

On failure

2009-11-10T20:07:00.004+01:00

-pain is inevitable, suffering is optional-
haruki murakami

Have u ever experience failure or shameful event? Maybe u flunk ur job interview or you stumble upon a rock in front of the cute guy you want to impressed?

Surely, after that, you were mad. Want to die. Hates yourself. Feel like a complete fool. You remember the humiliation feeling for so long though you don't remember anymore what had happened.

I read it somewhere that the only person who is very hard to convinced to forgive yourself is you. Yeah, you always took it hard, find it so hard to forgive yourself, afraid that it might considered as a mental note to settle for less.

One of my favorite writer is haruki murakami. He wrote such an excellent books. And one of the reason why i love him so much that as a person, he is very persistent. In his running diary 'what i talk about when i talk about running'-because he speak about his life and running habit - he showed how he always challenge himself to work hard and harder. Stretch himself far. Failure happened, and he felt ashamed, but it never stops him. He will come back the next day with a vengeance. With a better preparation. Which i think is the more productive way to deal with failure. Rather than crying and blaming yourself for your stupidity, why not shake it off, laugh-yeah, everyone can make mistakes-and try harder the next day. Prepare better. That would be good for your soul.

catatan kecil tentang...

2009-10-30T17:03:00.002+01:00

sebenarnya sedikit mengantuk. tapi aku janji untuk mulai menulis lagi. bukan cuma menulis status atau nge-tweet. hmm...

badanku pegal. aku mulai pilates lagi. setelah berhenti lebih dari dua bulan, ternyata badanku tidak selentur dulu ketika aku baru memulai. seperti biasa, kaki kananku dragged me down. the weak one. dan memulai lagi, ternyata jauh lebih menderita dari belajar pertama kali. kakiku gemetar bahkan ketika melakukan hundreds. dan perut, haha..sudah tidak ada otot. Beuh...

tiba-tiba terpikir tentang a history of god. ketika pada suatu saat, suamiku bilang, one of his biggest fear bahwa saya akan jadi ateis, hehehe. Nahh...that won't be possible. Saya selalu percaya Tuhan. Saya mungkin akan kehilangan kepercayaan pada agama, itu mungkin.

Ketika hari ini ribut soal KPK versus Polisi, saya merasa muak. Merasa muak karena Presiden yang dipilih oleh partai-partai 'Islami' itu tidak melakukan apa-apa atas nama 'independensi'. Well, IMHO, aku rasa independensi bisa jalan kalo rumahnya sudah disapu bersih, kalo belum...goodness, those corruptors steering the show. Dan saya merasa kok negeri ini helpless. Presidennya mulai tuli, dan partai-partai pendukungnya tutup telinga setelah dapat jatah kursi. Sucks. Makanya, jangan bawa-bawa agama ke dalam partai karena bikin aku jadi mempertanyakan keagamaan mereka. Tentu saja Tuhan tidak ada hubungannya dengan kelakuan buruk mereka, beuh...walaupun mereka hobi jual Tuhan buat dapat suara. Hobi bikin buruk orang lain supaya mereka terlihat bagus. Ditambah para teroris, FPI, can you blame those people who turn their back away from religion?

Jadi ingat kata-kata seorang teman, kalau memang beragama, seharusnya bisa jadi lilin yang menerangi sekitarnya. Bisa jadi pohon peneduh. Bisa jadi tangan penolong. Bukan sebaliknya.

So help me God. And help this so called religious and disastrous country.

penuh dan kosong

2009-08-01T02:57:00.003+02:00

kemarin, kepala saya penuh. rasanya banyak yang ingin dituliskan. tapi pagi ini, saya kosong. mungkin karena saya senang, karena ada 2 orang lagi 'anak' saya yang lolos ke ITB. Mungkin karena saya sedih, karena saya harus meninggalkan semua yang sedang saya kerjakan. Pergi ke Belanda. Saya sudah dapat MVV yang ditunggu-tunggu. Tapi saya belum tesis, saya ingin bantuin Pak DL ngajar (di kepala saya sudah penuh dengan ide), urusan BIUS juga masih belum selesai. Di bulan September proses buat taun depan dimulai, dan saya ingin berpartisipasi, kalau sempat. Bisnis saya juga sedang merangkak, dan saya takut meninggalkan.

kenapa saya harus pergi? apa yang saya akan lakukan disana? saya tau saya tidak akan mati kebosanan disana. saya berteman baik dengan kesendirian. tapi saya khawatir akan makna. saya khawatir hidup saya disana tidak bermakna, dan saya membuang waktu 3-4 tahun hidup saya.

dulu, eropa adalah impian saya. negeri kaya budaya dengan sejarah ratusan, ribuan tahun. Saya ingin ke Museum Van Gogh. Musee du Picasso. Pere Lachaise. Barcelona. Iceland.

sekarang pilihan itu terdengar amat narsis. selfish. atau saya tidak bersyukur?

the scar from the old (her)story

2009-07-10T15:38:00.006+02:00

...because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me...
-kelly clarkson-

when you live with someone, unconsciously you would be more like that other person that you live with, and the other person would be more like you. you picked up that other person's behavior, things that he/she likes, the way he/she dress, and the way he/she saw the world, although perhaps you're not always agree with that other person, or things that you pick up were actually the things you hate about that other person.

i don't know why it happened. i guess it's the risk of living with someone too close.

today, while reading the love dharma book in the middle of the traffic jam in the middle of the hustle and bustle of holiday season in this suddenly crappy city, i realized that. the enlightment comes with the thunder of kelly clarkson's voice in my ear, and i suddenly wept.

i've changed. in a way that i don't understand nor consciously knowing. that i don't wear the same smile that i used to have nor i think like i used to think. i realized that i was never actually sit and be still, thinking about things that i did, things that i've been through, and how i get through it, that i just jump from one crowded life to another, and leave myself numb in the effort of survival. i was never let myself be alone. perhaps i think that if i am alone, i would break myself into parts.

and kelly clarkson sang her song so miserably that i cried along the song.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

the wheel of life

2009-06-26T04:17:00.002+02:00

setelah kemarin-kemarin feeling a bit high karena ini dan itu, this week my wheel of life bringing me down. it's my own fault. sebagian karena kemalasanku, sebagian karena kebodohanku. yang aku tau adalah, don't be ignorant. just have to stay focus and alert. hmm..

after my mummy getting better, couple of days ago i have this problem with my school. sedikit menohok because i took it a bit deep and start questioning my self. and yesterday, when finally i settled with it -has been talking to my own personal shrink about creating positive self image- (and somehow i think of murdoch of the a-team's jargon i am ok, you're ok which translate as i am crazy and so are you, hahaha) last night it was my girl's turn to get sick. she keep vomiting all night and i was all alone. well, not alone since there the assistant and there's azzam. but i can't go outside to buy electrolyte liquid for bianglala since no one taking care of her. so i sit there holding her vomiting self, trying to be calm while feeling so miserable. luckily i got this book about children and their illness, and i am following their suggestion to handle kid's vomiting and at two in the morning she started to get better.

i am scared of losing her. when i hold her last night i think about it. she is my rock. somehow we're connecting in strange way after all the whirlwind in our life. when i read that she kept her emotional unbalance with her, her fear, i feel so sad that i can't protect her from her fear, that i can't make her feel safe and protected.

and i think again. about priority. about life. when the wheel of life bringing you down...

spaghetti for lunch

2009-06-14T07:04:00.004+02:00

i made spaghetti for lunch. no, no, no...this is not a blog about the recipe. everybody who knows me enough knows that i don't cook. won't cook. hate the repetition. i would cook only if it's the only way to survive. or because my husband deliberately starved himself just to get me off to kitchen and cook for him. or because i want spaghetti, i already buy all the ingredients and nobody can cook it at home but me. and i hate seeing wasted ingredients.

i am no mommy role model. too lazy to be one.

spageti-nya aku beli di toko setiabudi, karena penasaran dengan bentuknya yang aneh. penuh dengan tulisan italia dan katanya, ini spageti otentik. curiosity kills the cat. so i bought it. it turned out, unlike the cheap spaghetti i used to buy, it tasted more like, using bianglala's word, mie ayam. while the cheap spaghetti biasanya kenyal (mungkin pake formalin, hmmff..) yang ini lembut dan lentur, meleleh di mulut. i prefer the cheap one, taste more like spaghetti i know, hahaha...bianglala, though, loves it.

hhh..the back of my head is hurts. probably because i eat too much meat. or lack of sleep.

and my brain is in a spin. lagi tidak suka keramaian. termasuk facebook yang bikin sesak nafas saking ramainya. all of those public places that sometimes makes me feel like i am not belong there or belong in someone's life. i know i exaggerated, but who cares. when it hurts, it's real.

mengungsi ke sini karena disini the quietest place i have where i could mumbling and rambling as i wish.

want vacation. wow, is that bailey from the party of five on CSI? what's his real name? scott who? not weiland...

sometimes it be that way

2009-06-11T08:53:00.002+02:00

jewel, along with annie lennox is one of the singer-songwriter that i love. their songs is full with soul. ah, kemaren browsing cd jewel 'pieces of you' dan annie lennox yang platinum edition, sempat tergoda untuk beli, hehe...namun diurungkan. sempat terpikir bahwa mungkin akan dapat cd ini sebagai hadiah ulangtahun namun bianglala had decided that she will gives me a purple balloon and a big wet kiss for my birthday, and i couldn't ask for more, hahaha

anyway, lagi mengumpulkan semangat untuk pergi ke aquarius dan beli cd-nya. sementara, mumpung koneksi lagi bagus, aku dengerin lagu ini di youtube.

Night with its shattered teeth
Attempts to speak
My pen is present but
Courage left via the sink
And I'm sorry
I snuck up on you
From behind
I'm sorry not all
My love letters did rhyme
And I'm sorry that
Jesus died for my sins
And I swear to God
It won't happen again
And I'm sorry
If it was my swerve that
Tempted you to sway
Oh well
Sometimes it be that way

And Romeo was
A very nice man
He said
"Jewel, I don't think
You quite understand"
And I'm sorry if you had
To explain it like this
I'm sorry I was a point
You were destined to miss
And I'm sorry
I spoke to you irreverently
Down in the hollow
By the old olive tree
And I'm sorry
If my heart breaking
Ruined your day
Oh well
Sometimes It be that way

I said
"Oh well, I got nothing
Left to sell
This love was a bell that
Rang unheard in the air
I was bound to find out
That you didn't care
Oh well
Sometimes it be that way

And Aphrodite with
Her neon lamp
Kissed Neptune
They put her face
On a stamp
And I'm sorry
I used it to mail
A letter to you
I'm sorry I'm glue and
The rest bounces off of you
And I'm sorry not even
This jet's metal wings
Could get across
These simple things
And I'm sorry
If I ever sang
Your name in vain
Oh well
Sometimes it be that way

And Goldilocks
Well she knew three bears
They all ate oatmeal
And tiptoed upstairs
And I'm sorry
I never got to
Find you like this
Sleeping like a baby
And swaddled in bliss
And I'm sorry for
All the times
I forgot to imply something
In between the lines
And I'm sorry
If my heart breaking
Ruined your day
Oh well
Sometimes it be that way

I said
"Oh well, I got nothing
Left to sell
This love was a bell that
Rang unheard in the air
I was bound to find out
That you didn't care
Oh well
Sometimes it be that way

And shadow's long fingers
They dance on the wall
Electricity chases
Its tail in the hall
And I'm sorry
If my arms to you
Were just empty rooms
I'm sorry
I never could comfort you
And I'm sorry
St. Petersburg is
A miserable town
And I'm sorry
If I am bringing you down
And I'm sorry
If I caused you pain
Oh well
Sometimes it be that way

And flame licks the air
With its silver tongue
Night has many hands
But I have just one
And I'm sorry
I walked in on you
Unexpectedly
I'm sorry
I never served you
Camomile tea
And I'm sorry
I didn't always have a match
That could start
A fire big enough
For your heart to catch
And I'm sorry
If it was my swerve that
Tempted you to sway
Oh well
Sometimes it be that way

need vacation, again...

2009-06-09T23:00:00.003+02:00

the time almost touch 4 a.m in the morning but i haven't feel sleepy yet. instead, my tummy is making a noise. oh, yeah, i forgot my dinner (again).

az crying in his sleep. i wonder if he feels sad today (yesterday actually). freud said your dream is the representation of your deepest fear, while for children, dream simply means repetition of things they went through on that day.

i just browsing my next vacation destination. hahaha. while my skin still shows its darker complexion thanks to sunburn in peucang island, my mind already wander to my next trip. this time, i stated in my mind, i must leave with my babies. leaving without them is so hard and so unpleasant. but the trouble is, bianglala is a little girl who used to travel with the convenience given by my ex-employer. she went her first trip when she was 6 months old to Makassar, and she stays on one of the best hotel there. after that, she travels between Bali, Surabaya, Jakarta, Lombok, Balikpapan. And on those cities, my ex-employer can afford JW Marriot, Sheraton, or at the least, Novotel. and bianglala so used to the style of the hotels, it kind of annoyed me when in our trip to Lombok, she refused to go to the bathroom in Gili Island just because it's wet. As me, being the girl who used to travel with some crazy guys with only 20 thousand rupiahs in my hands, i am not at all high maintenance.

now i started to feel sleepy. needs my sleep. tomorrow is a busy day.

love me just leave me alone...

2009-06-09T20:15:00.000+02:00

...
They said
You were a wise man
When did they teach
A wise man to pout?
I tried to forget you
but you tied bells to your name
They jingled every time i thought of you
without shame
I tried to be unlovable
Why couldn't you do the same?
What's the matter?
Does your love need a home?
All right then, love me
Just leave me alone

-jewel kilcher-

kecewa

2009-06-05T19:00:00.002+02:00

well..of all things..i should have know that changing is the hardest thing to do-though they said it's the only constant thing in life.

of all people, i should have known it better. now, in my bitterness, i feel disappointed. my own fault.

and now...maybe it's better this way...

mess

2009-06-05T14:38:00.006+02:00

the house is a mess. none of the two child showing the sign of slowing down. no. even the small one, who usually already sleeping at this hour, now he is busy throwing the spoon that he found in the tray in the kitchen.

a lovely sight. i can't breathe.

yeah. raising two active and lovely child is great. adding another one is a very bright idea, especially when you won't be around a lot except at small fraction of times after they're taking their bath, looking like angels, and all smiles.

of course, i am the one who on the verge of nervous breakdown. i guess i took too much responsibilities to go with me. and now...

and the moral support that you wish you had sometimes come at the wrong time, from the wrong people. the people you hope would give you support are too busy with their own lives and it leaves you alone with question. and all you can do is trying so hard to breathe. like the prodigy said. inhale, exhale, breathe the pressure.

i wish i could go to the ocean.

riuh...

2009-06-03T02:01:00.002+02:00

gara-gara saya menulis ini di facebook, tiba-tiba saya merasa jadi seleb. beberapa orang meminta tulisan itu untuk dishare di fb mereka. ada yang minta jadi teman, karena awalnya, tulisan itu memang saya set sebagai private notes. terus ada yang minta pendapat-karena dia merasa berbeda pendapat dengan saya, walaupun sebenarnya saya cukup sepakat dengan pendapatnya dia. hahaha..the introvert inside of me tiba-tiba saja mengkerut. kok riuh sekali? saya tiba-tiba mengerti mengapa, ketika norwegian wood-nya meledak diluar perkiraan, haruki murakami malah depresi dan melarikan diri ke amerika. too much attention is overwhelming.

sementara perhatian yang saya butuhkan sebenarnya cuma dari satu orang, hehe. dan satu orang itu, ketika kemarin saya sempat ngambek, mengirimkan dozen of roses kemarin ke rumah dengan notes yang bertuliskan,'i love you.' saya yang sedang ngambek tidak bisa tidak tersenyum.

'yeah, i love you, too, dear.'

dan bianglala mengklaim bahwa bunga itu untuk dia. hahaha....

sleep, don't weep...

2009-05-19T19:11:00.002+02:00

my internet was up for more than 12 hours today.

in the morning i was busy taking care of the student who's going to follow the program 'beasiswa itb untuk semua' or 'bius'. such a lovely abbreviation. in the afternoon i just let the internet on because i want to checked on update of the volunteer of the bius. at night, i am busy working on my blog site's look. need a fresh look. fresh skin (wish human could be that easy to change skin).

anyway. my lovely husband buzz me before he going home (which, unfortunately, not to me). he told me to go to bed. he knew i am a bit sick. but i just coyly smiled, and i said, i can't sleep. he told me that,'that's because you've been playing with that blog thing. you know how easily you get carried away when you're working on those things.' i said,'i guess.'. he told me again.'sleep, please. take a rest.'

and i should have follow his advice, instead of keep on writing on this blog. but i just write...i am in the mood to. and damien singing in my ear his ever so slow of song.

sleep, don't weep, my sweet baby
your hands all wet...

-yeah, yeah, yeah. i'll sleep now-

changing in one week

2009-04-13T16:40:00.001+02:00

etika dulu sehabis acara siaware intan bercerita dengan berbinar-binar tentang pelatihannya, i have to say that i smirked and sceptically doesn't believe his so called revelation. what can i say, i am a sceptic. aku tidak percaya perubahan bisa dilakukan dalam seminggu (and i don't believe that there is a right way to hug people dan itu bisa diajarkan). dari cerita intan, aku menangkap kalau those people who joined are feeling that they're problematic and they're alone, but in the training, they found out that they're not alone. that's why after that they're become so gregarious. the feeling of solidarity and understanding.

aku baru ngeh lagi tentang cerita ini pas kemarin lemet cerita soal asiaworks. it said that cyril adapted the siaware from asiaworks. dan aku tergugah untuk mendengarkan karena afterall, lemet is a sceptic, like me, hehe. sempet terpikir untuk ikut, just out of curiousity.

tadi ngebrowsing soal asiaworks ini, hehe..dan ternyata, selain site resminya, ada banyak site yang 'mengutuk' asiaworks sebagai cult, evil things, etc, etc. di satu site ada yang berkomentar, apa hubungannya telling your deepest darkest secret with your enlightment? well, of course, other people won't make faces or comments, everybody has their own dirty laundry (pinjam istilah di desperate housewives). di timeasia.com, ada yang komentar (dia tadinya ikutan dan mengajak semua orang didekatnya untuk enroll), evil ga evil, asiaworks bikin dia lebih fokus pada asiaworks dan orang-orang di dalamnya, instead of spread your understanding and your -whatever you get from the training- to the rest of the world who aren't so free with money (the training cost after all are around 3 million rp). it made him neglected his business. he said,'the training playing with people's mind' and he dropped it after years of participations.

jadi inget reaksiku -yang ga aku bilang- ketika menanggapi intan dan his siaware's euphoria. why it made people become at a point losing their control if it supposed to be giving them control over their life? why it made you so gregarious to the point that you almost neglected other people except your buddies? isn't it supposed to make you become more meaningful to the world? how could you do it if you only believe that the worthy people are the people who are the same as you (going to the same training with you?).

anyway....i dropped the thought of going into one. sorry met, just didn't make sense to me (but maybe because i don't read dale carnegie)

narasi kecil perempuan...

2009-02-22T21:15:00.000+01:00

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said & done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I made you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your
Sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied

Little things I should have said & done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind...

-michael buble-

ketika mendengarkan lagu ini tadi di perjalanan pagi, aku teringat lagi pada kesimpulan yang dahulu pernah aku buat. bahwa perbedaan antara laki-laki dan perempuan (selain bahwa laki-laki berasal dari mars dan perempuan dari venus, kata john gray yang bukunya ga pernah selesai aku baca), terletak pada ketika laki-laki sibuk berkutat dengan narasi besarnya, perempuan (atau setidaknya aku) bahagia dengan narasi-narasi kecil yang menghiasi hidup. ketika laki-laki berpikir karir, pekerjaan, mobil baru, cicilan rumah, berlian sebesar apa yang bisa diberikan pada istri, hehe, perempuan lebih tertarik dengan ciuman di pagi hari, bunga yang diberikan pada saat ulangtahun (termasuk bunga bank, kayaknya...haha...), random text yang menanyakan sudah makan belum...little things-menurut michael buble di dalam lagunya. tentu saja, di dalam banyak rumah tangga yang aku amati, hal-hal kecil itu menjadi amat berarti buat perempuan ketika kebutuhan dasar mereka terpenuhi. karena kadang jika tidak, maka para perempuan pulalah yang dengan ketegaran luar biasa mengambil alih narasi-narasi besar itu ke pundaknya dan memikulnya dengan ketabahan seorang nabi isa.

tapi, bukankah dalam keluarga yang sulit secara ekonomi, memiliki suami yang masih peduli pada narasi-narasi kecil perempuan, tidakkah itu membuat semuanya jadi lebih menentramkan? jadi lebih mudah dijalani?

little things i should have said and done...michael buble masih bernyanyi di telingaku...ya, ya...

-breathe-

2009-02-16T14:31:00.004+01:00

-pain is inevitable, suffering is optional-

this quotation i found in haruki murakami's new memoir, 'what i talked about when i talked about running'. and it got me. it was said in the book, that everyone have their fair share of pain (geraldine larkin in her book 'love dharma' challenge people to find someone who never feel the pain of losing, and the answer must be none. everyone have their own story of losing). but again, said murakami, aside the pain, to suffered is really an option that we made. that's where our free will lays. when you feel the pain, it's your choice whether you want to feel the pain and suffer or shake it off.

it's about, what you choose to feel...
you are free to feel angry. you are free to feel sad. you are free to feel irritated. you are free to feel happy. you are free to feel love. you are free to feel elated.

you are also free to feel nothing.

from borges to nietzsche

2009-02-01T04:13:00.005+01:00

- a book i never finished to read and jorge luis borges-

when i started to feel lost in the 'spiritual quest', this morning i found an interesting article on kompas about jorge luis borges. about how 'ironic' life is. jorge luis borges was famous as a writer, essayist with wild and vivid imagination. and guess what, he was blind! he 'wrote down' his character and plot all in his mind, and borrowed other people's eyes and mouth to jotted it down into a book.

it's inspiring to see people who push beyond their limitation and create something regards as impossible. not just borges. beethoven also composed his symphony no.9 after he lost his hearing. it was said that he got cues from looking at people's expression when he played them his composition. and nietzsche also wrote his hilarious book ecce homo on the brink of his craziness (or could be rephrased as this, the book is a vital evidence of his craziness).

talking about never give up attitude.

gede prama -on the same saturday kompas- also wrote an interesting article. about stop judging and start listening (something that i need to do). something about 'spirituality is not about symbols but about how can you help people around you'. about open heart-as shown by muhammad yunus, nelson mandela, and dalai lama (and they do have different religion). open mind, open mind...

hmm..some morning
hmm...some morning...:D

trying...

2009-02-01T00:41:00.004+01:00

so this is how it is. i am trying, really. though sometimes i don't know why i fought so hard-too hard for my style. but something inside me always said, this is NOT just about me. this is also about all of those people who love you.

sometimes i think that i am too self centered, too self absorbed. every times something comes out bad, i always want to run, need to go. it's always 'me first'. it's hard for me to braces myself and said that i'm going to fix this, i won't runaway because this is important. not just for me but also for my loved ones.

a friend of mine once said that i am intoxicating. i don't know what he means. never do. he said that sometimes i am in a whirlwind and bring all the people around me in a dizzying spin, but somehow, they won't let me go. when sometimes that's all i want from people. let me go. leave me out.

my ex -i have only one official ex (grin..) used to say that i was always a little bit different from the rest. he knows that i am not easy to live with-this one i understand too well. i am not easy to live with. i have the habit to push people to the edge and sometimes creating hell. i can be sweet but i can be very sarcastic. i can be polite but i can be the other way around. yet, why some people -no, just this one person- want to be with me, is dizzying enough for me to think.

but knowing, that you won't give up on me is a flickering light on my sometimes dark days. you know i am trying really hard. only for you.

-sebuah catatan di tepi jendela yang belum selesai-

night before the night

2009-01-27T16:55:00.000+01:00

suddenly, after the emotional ups and down of yesterdays (and when i said yesterdays it didn't mean just a day before today, it's days before today), early this morning i found myself feeling drawn, almost completely empty. my brain-the guilty one behind most of the chaotic days- is slowing down and said to me that maybe it need a brain overhaul. maybe it need a rest. maybe it tired. maybe it had too much thinking and asking me to start feeling.

since when i had this numb feeling? when i had too much sensation to feel-from pain to happiness, from bitter to sweet- the only possible salvation for me is to make myself numb. i know it's been going on for years, and i know that it changed me a lot, but i just don't want to think about it, my life went in a fast pace leaving me no space to think about it. or maybe, the understanding as a result of thinking is just too much to bear for me.

where is me? suddenly the question fill the air...

suddenly i just want the silence. so i can think. no, no..so i can feel

the animals were gone

2009-01-27T02:36:00.000+01:00

pagi ini pagi yang menguras emosi. tadi bertengkar dengan cs-nya hsbc yang ga sopan banget. aku cuma mau nanya perhitungan bunga kok tiba-tiba tagihanku berbunga fantastis sementara aku membayar penuh, udah tiga hari dia bilang masih diproses juga...aku bilang, lha sekarang gw harus bayar tagihannya, nanti kalo telat bunganya ajaib lagi, dia dengan nyolotnya bilang kalo mau nunggu ya silakan tapi entah sampai kapan, disana aja, saya sekarang mau melayani orang lain.

nyolot ga sopan minta digertak. dan kalo udah marah, aku udah ga bisa ngomong. aku pundung sepundung-pundungnya. gw tutup juga tuh kartu kredit nyebelin...

akhirnya terpaksa curhat interlokal ngebangunin seseorang ke belanda. biar ga jadi gila, hehe. abisnya rada tenang, terus tenang banget, dan jadilah kangen. arrrggghhh....di jalan terus nge-rewind lagu ini sampe kayaknya damien rice-nya juga bosan.

Woke up and for the first time the animals were gone
It's left this house empty now, not sure if I belong
Yesterday you asked me to write you a pleasant song
I'll do my best now, but you've been gone for so long

The window's open now and the winter settles in
We'll call it Christmas when the adverts begin
I love your depression and I love your double chin
I love 'most everything that you bring to this offering

Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

Woke up and for the first time the animals were gone
Our clocks are ticking now so before our time is gone
We could get a house and some boxes on the lawn
We could make babies and accidental songs

I know I've been a liar and I know I've been a fool
I hope we didn't break yet, but I'm glad we broke the rules
My cave is deep now, yet your light is shining through
I cover my eyes, still all I see is you

Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

Mari Kencangkan Ikat Pinggang...biar kurus, hehe...

2009-01-26T09:47:00.000+01:00

Suze Orman adalah salah satu financial advisor yang aku suka baca-liat-dengarkan. Pertama kali baca bukunya dia -Nine Steps to Financial Freedom- aku beli diskonan cuma 30 ribu hehe. Aku suka karena sarannya to the point, jelas dan detil. Berguna banget (kecuali bagian-bagian yang Amerika banget seperti 401K plan alias pension plan yang kita ga punya). Kesini-kesini, ternyata dia tampil secara reguler di Oprah (setelah tsunami ekonomi di Amerika, dia setiap hari Kamis muncul di Oprah). Terus dia juga muncul beberapa kali di Larry King Live, pada saat ada bank bangkrut (Fanny Mae kalo ga salah) dan pada saat skema Ponzi bekas chairman Nasdaq, si Madoff ketauan. Menurut media-media itu, Suze Orman adalah financial advisor yang kredibel dan berpihak pada konsumen (kita).

Tadi di Oprah WInfrey show edisi lama, dia muncul dan memberikan beberapa advis. Memberikan beberapa tiny weeny details yang keliatannya bank dan kartu kredit lupa kasih tahu. Seperti bahwa bank mengecek nilai FICO kita tiap hari (ternyata ada yang namanya nilai FICO, semacam kayak financial assesment gitu). Kalau nilai FICO kita turun (misalnya kita belum bayar, bayar cuma minimum saja), mereka secara sepihak bisa menaikkan tingkat bunga atas utang kita. Aku ga tau apa itu ada juga di Indonesia, cuma yang pasti kan di BI ada daftar hitam kalau kita punya tagihan yang tidak terbayar, terus kalau kita bayar telat atau bayar ga penuh (alias bayar cuma minimum saja) ternyata di luar biaya keterlambatan, kita juga dikenakan bunga yang besarnya ditentukan sepihak oleh pihak Bank. Hal ini aku ketahui terlambat ketika kemarin tiba-tiba di tagihanku ada angka aneh -finance charge- yang besarnya bujubune. Aku selalu membayar penuh tagihanku -dulu pernah membayar angka minimum saja beberapa kali dan setelah diitung-itung, kok kayaknya utang ga lunas-lunas malah tambah gede. Lagian, aku menghindari bunga sebisa mungkin. Kelemahanku adalah aku suka lupa. Jadi ketika kemarin aku lupa bayar dan telat dua hari, aku dikenakan bunga yang besarnya hampir 4% dari nilai seluruh tagihan ( dan itu cuma buat telat dua hari lo..yang kalo mau fair, harusnya cuma kena besar bunga sebulan/30 dikali 2 hari). Tentu saja aku protes. Aku minta salinan perhitungan bunga itu, sampai sekarang yang cuma berjarak satu hari saja dengan tenggat waktu pembayaran, masih belum dikasih juga. Aku udah telpon dua kali. Dan pas aku mencari pembenaran untuk komplain-ku, aku liat ada keterangan di balik kertas tagihan (yang dibikin dengan tinta yang tipis dan huruf kecil-kecil jadi susah buat kita yang rabun ini untuk membaca) kalau bank berhak mengenakan bunga yang angkanya ditentukan oleh bank jika pembayaran telat atau ga penuh. Di bawahnya lagi ada keterangan denda keterlambatan Rp 75 ribu atau 5% dari minimal tagihan. Aku mengartikannya sebagai dua-duanya akan dikenakan oleh bank pada kita, walaupun si bank tidak mengaitkan kedua keterangan itu -bisi ga ada yang mau apply. Penipuan terselubung, nyebelin. So much for a world's local bank, ha.

Dulu juga pernah kasus hampir mirip dengan bank besar lain yang berinisial CB (hihi, bisa nebak kan?). Aku lupa jumlah yang aku bayar, dan cuma selisih lima puluh ribu saja. Tau ga, aku dikenakan bunga yang jumlahnya empat kali lipat dari selisih itu dengan alasan bank menghitung jumlah tagihan keseluruhan. Aku ngotot karena kalo dikategorikan aku ngutang, toh ngutangku cuma 50 rb, kok bisa bunganya 200 rb untuk sebulan. Eh, dia lari ke disclaimer yang ditulis di belakang kertas tagihan itu. Aku mutung dan mengancam menutup kartu, baru deh dia mau membuang bunga itu. Kalo udah gitu, aku pasti ngomel, dasar kapitalis! (Sayang aku butuh one bill-nya yang membantu orang seperti aku yang ga inget kapan harus bayar listrik, kapan bayar tagihan telpon...).

Eniwei, back to Suze Orman. Satu advis dari dia yang aku patuhi betul sekarang adalah, selalu lunasi tagihan kartu kredit kita-karena bunga kartu kredit mencekik dan kalo kita bayar minimum, bukannya jumlah tagihan akan berkurang, tapi akan bertambah. Coba deh hitung. Udah gitu, jangan percaya angka yang tertera di bagian bawah, bunga 3.75% bla-bla. Selalu itung kalo kita kena finance charge. Angkanya bisa fantastis (Yah, mereka nyari duitnya dari situ, dari kita yang ignorance ke hal-hal yang kesannya ribet begitu). Jadi ya kartunya dipakai buat emergency aja (dan kategori emergency tidak termasuk lingerie shopping therapy, vi, hehehe, tapi gw rasa kalau itu menentukan apakah kalau ga shopping kita bakal gila atau engga, gw rasa itu emergency ya..:D)

Advis lain dari Suze Orman adalah, perhatikan kalau kita punya cicilan rumah. Jaman sekarang cicilan rumah besarnya ditentukan sepihak juga ama pihak Bank (bunganya berfluktuasi sesuka-suka bank). Dan liciknya, biasanya mereka cuma ngasih tau ilustrasi untuk satu dua tahun ke depan padahal kita punya cicilan minimal kan lima tahun. Kebayang kan kalo kita biasa bayar cicilan sebulan 1 juta, tiba-tiba BI naekin BI rate-nya, trus bank juga naekin bunga KPR, tiba-tiba bulan depan kita disuruh bayar 2 juta? Apa ga kelimpungan? Yah, kalau punya duit, mending beli cash..emang bunga bagusnya sih dihindari ya (dalam kejadian-kejadian ini, aku rasa Suze Orman akan amat takjub pad sistem syariah yang berusaha untuk tidak merugikan salah satu pihak biarpun denger-denger, sistem syariah sekarang juga masih banci, masih melakukan praktek yang sebenarnya tidak dibenarkan dalam Islam).

Apa lagi ya? O, ya, unitlink bukan instrumen investasi yang menguntungkan (menguntungkan para agen, pastinya). Terlalu banyak hidden charge daripada kalau kita beli saham atau reksadana sendiri (yang cuma memungut 0%-2% pas awal aja). Udah gitu asuransinya mahal. Suze Orman menyarankan, beli aja terpisah. Kalau butuh asuransi jiwa, beli asuransi jiwa (dengan premi lebih murah bisa capai angka pertanggungan sama dengan unit link yang mungkin 5 kali lipat lebih mahal). Kalau butuh asuransi kesehatan, beli asuransi kesehatan. Kemarin aku bandingkan, asuransi kesehatan Bianglala (rawat inap) cuma 900 ribu per tahun dan pertanggungannya sama bagusnya dengan unitlink yang sebulan memungut 500 ribu. Kalau pengen investasi, seperti saran Hanif temanku, sekarang saatnya beli reksadana, mumpung diskon gede-gedean.

Ya, begitulah. Jaman susah sekarang saatnya mengencangkan ikat pinggang. Dan seperti kata Suze Orman, siapa lagi yang harus paling pintar soal ini kalau bukan para ibu-ibu. Saran dia lagi, jangan percaya orang lain. Jangan karena teman baik kita nawarin unitlink, kita bilang iya-iya aja karena ga enak ati, hehehe (me talking to myself, hehe...).

Harus mulai lebih berhemat lagi nih...

tentang jarak

2009-01-17T23:21:00.000+01:00

-acep zamzam noor-

engkau begitu jauh
dalam rindu
tapi betapa lekat
dalam lukaku

engkau begitu asing
dalam sunyi
tapi betapa sejuk pisaumu
mengiris urat leherku

kekasih, menyingkirlah sejenak
agar bisa kuhayati jarak
atau mendekatlah
untuk kukucup lukamu

-dari buku kumpulan puisi, di luar kata-

all i want is you

2009-01-09T09:42:00.000+01:00

hari ini agak melelahkan, makanya jadi cerewet di internet, hehe...selain ada beberapa masalah yang jadi pikiran, secara fisik juga lumayan capek karena kesana-kesini.

denger lagu ini pas masuk mobil, dari kemaren emang lagi kangen ama U2, makanya CD-nya diputer ga berhenti (dan untuk sementara lagu 'I Look I See-nya Yusuf Islam istirahat dulu). jadi inget dan kangen seseorang, hehe.

You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you'll give me
A highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night

You say you'll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you want
Your love to work out right
To last with me through the night

You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

dulu, berpuluh tahun yang lalu ketika masih muda (hehehe...) pas U2 night di fame station (jaman fame masih di wisma lippo), lagu ini dimainkan (aduh sama siapa ya, dejavu gitu sama andi /rif) kemudian ammy (sekarang di 4 peniti) memainkan string section-nya. keren banget. kita, waktu itu aku, feny, spoon, opik, teh rara, 'a lala (para penggemar U2 dan satu orang penggemar gitaris dejavu, hehe), ikut menjerit-jerit bareng andi, hehe...keren lah...jaman kejayaan fame station dan U2 night-nya. lagu ini, emang nendang banget, kalau istilah anak jaman sekarang. lagu ini juga jadi soundtrack film reality bites yang dibintangi winona ryder dan ethan hawke.

dari situ jadi ngefans sama ammy. dulu cuma suka sama permainan biolanya yang maut (pernah denger juga pas dia jadi bintang tamu-nya time bomb blues jaman dago festival dulu. dia mah masuk ke genre musik manapun). pas kemaren bikin acara kerjasama bareng restoran di daerah taman lansia gitu dan mereka ngundang 4 peniti, baru tau kalo ternyata ammy itu ganteng, whuahaha...(da di fame mah gelap. hidung sendiri aja susah keliatan). langsung weh bergosip sama ibu S - representatif si restoran, emak anak dua yang funkeh abis.

naha jadi ngobrolin ammy ya? eniwei, lagu ini mengingatkan aku pada seseorang, dan jadi kangen. mudah-mudahan kita menemukan cara yang lebih baik untuk berkomunikasi ya...i know it is not easy.

help needed : book care

2009-01-09T09:27:00.000+01:00

kemarin malam, gara-gara baca postingan tentang hamas-israel, jadi mencari-cari buku yang ditulis oleh amos oz -seorang penulis israel- the same sea.

yang bikin kaget, karena buku itu, yang aku beli kurang dari 5 tahun lalu..sudah menguning seperti lembaran buku leaves of grass-nya walt whitman (yang memang aku beli second di palasari). jadi panik dan mulai mengamati buku-buku yang lain, dan ternyata penyakitnya menular alias ada juga di buku-buku yang lain. waaah...

jadi berpikir, apa rak bukunya harus tertutup ya? apa terlalu lembab? apa karena cat dan rak bukunya yang murahan? (aku beli kayu bekas di pasirkoja dan dibikin sendiri terus minta tolong dicat-in deh..). terus yang sudah kuning harus diapain biar ga tambah kuning?

browsing-browsing belum ada jawabannya juga di internet.

toloooonggg...